Monday, December 31, 2007

I AM GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT!!


So, I thought my luck had turned around. I was able to pick up my car today instead of Wednesday. It was only going to cost $761.00. Ron had time to pick me up at Budget car rental so I could drop off the rental early and get some money back. Things felt good.

I called off work today so that I would have plenty of time to pick up the car if they called today. I went to Budget at 12:10 to drop off the rental. Oh, we closed at noon. We won't be back until Wednesday and won't check the car in until then. Yes, we will charge you until Wednesday. FUCK YOU! Fine, I leave the car there. I don't need it, right? Big mistake.

Ron takes me to the shop to get Scarlet. I am feeling happy to be done with car drama even if I have to pay for 2 days of car rental that I didn't use. Pick up car, pay for it and start it up. Huh? She sounds like a freight train. Suddenly it sounds like I am driving a sick Harley motorcycle or something. I drive her home and she is shaking so bad I can barely see out of the rear view mirror. I think the transmission is jacked up. Their fault I am sure. Nice! FUCK YOU TOO!

I call the shop and they are not taking anyone today or Tuesday. I work all day on Wednesday, so the earliest I can get her in is Thursday. Since I took off Monday, I won't get paid for Tuesday. I was going to work on Thursday to make up for Tuesday. Well, I am sure I will need both Thursday and Friday off now to get her fixed. Head swirling yet? Yeah, mine too.

I am so fucking annoyed right now! Why couldn't this have worked out a little better. It was going so well and then now she is running for shit. At least I can drive her until I can get her fixed, but I don't handle these things very well.

I am drinking myself into rehab tonight. I don't want to feel a thing.

Friday, December 28, 2007

I declare today Crap-Friday.

I am cranky. I am nervous. I am depressed. I spent Christmas alone (although I was invited places, I just wasn't in a social mood). I got no Christmas presents. I could not give any Christmas presents. I have only about $400.00 to my name. My rent is $415.00. My apartment is a mess and my folks are coming to visit today. My sink doesn't drain. I ran out of dryer sheets so my clothes will have static cling. My car is in the shop needing a possible $1,000.00 fix. So, I have no car thus no way to get to work Saturday. I will have to borrow money from my parents. I went to bed at Midnight and got up at 6 a.m. to take my car in by 7. Couldn't sleep -- too upset about car. I am waiting anxiously by the phone to hear what could be the worst news ever. Is it worth fixing if it is going to cost THAT much. It is a 1999. Maybe I should just get a new car. Yeah, with what money? The student loan people are hounding me because I owe them about $350.00 that is over 30 days late. When am I ever going to be able to stand on my own two feet financially. My parents aren't rich, they can't keep bailing me out. I don't want to be in debt anymore. I want a credit card that isn't maxed out that I can use during emergencies like this one. I want. I want. I want. I never ever get. Sorry folks, I know others have it worse than me. I am just blowing off some steam.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

It is offical ...


I have lost all faith in humanity. Getting angry and yelling over a ... Whopper? You got to be fucking kidding me.

See what I am talking about HERE.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Dean Martin - Baby It's Cold Outside

Thanks Jen! That totally made my day. You are the best.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Tag, I'm it! (thanks jen...)

1. Eggnog or hot chocolate.
Hot chocolate! Eggnog is gross, even with the alcohol.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just put them under the tree?
Wrapped, definitely. I used to love gift wrapping so much as a youngin' that my sister would give me my own gifts to wrap (in a taped up box of course) and not tell me that they were for me until Christmas morning when all my gifts from her looked eerily familiar.

3. Colored or white lights on tree/house?
One or the other, but not mixed. I think colors on the house and white on the tree so that all the ornaments stand out better.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
Only the really hokey plastic, 1970's mistletoe that we hang at my parents house.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
Whenever I damn well please! I once got so lazy that when I finally got around to taking my decorations down, it was pretty much time to put them back up.

6. What is your holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
Mom's cheesy potatoes. Hmm ... cheese ...

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child.
Planning out all the Christmas cookies my mom and I would make. We would put on some holiday music and bake to our hearts content. I was such a wonderful bonding time.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?

I honestly don't remember. I think it was Deana Davis, but I can't recall. I think I had been suspecting all along.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
One, and it is usually pajamas or slippers or some sort of sleeping uniform.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
Badly. I can never get the lights right! I have a lot of old family ornaments as well as some new ones. I really like simplicity and plain old bulbs.

11. Snow! Love it or dread it?
Love looking at it, don't mind driving or walking in it, HATE having to get up early to shovel it off my car.

12. Can you ice skate?
No, I think I would hurt someone if I tried.


13. Do you remember your favorite gift?

Love. Damn, that is cheesy. Hmm ... cheesy potatoes ... *drool*

14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you?

Being with family and friends and having everyone happy and healthy.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert?
Anything chocolate -- probably buckeyes or fudge.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
We don't really have many traditions anymore. It is sad really.

17. What tops your tree?

An angel that belonged to my grandparents. I could plug her in, but I worry about blowing up the whole tree.

18. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving?
Honestly, giving. i love finding the perfect gift for someone. Something thoughtful that they will enjoy. Although getting what is on your list is admittedly pretty nice.

19. What is your favorite Christmas song?
“Baby it's cold outside" by Dean Martin. I have been humming it since turkey day.

20. Candy canes.
Are pretty, but I don't think I have ever been able to finish one. Sticky.

21. Favorite Christmas movie?
Is there anything better than "A Christmas Story"?

22. What do you leave for Santa?
Milk and cookies with a thank you note for all my presents.

(**yea, this still didn't get me in the holiday mood.**)

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

What bill did you put off to pay for that?


The above question was pretty much the worst of it when I told my parents about the new tattoo tonight. I figured I would tell them now instead of ruining Christmas. They were surprisingly alright about it. They were just relieved that I didn't have any piercings. Either they are getting old and tired ... or they have just come to the conclusion that I am a tattooed lady. Either way, I am super happy to know that this isn't going to cause a huge amount of drama. Once they see it though ... I am sure they will flip.

Now, I just have to get used to looking down and seeing it. A few times I get a wave of regret, then someone compliments me on it, and I realize again just how pretty it is. I guess it is like having an extra finger or something. It looks weird now, but eventually I won't even see it.

I am curious if anyone out there who has tattoos on their arms felt the same way at first? With my other tattoos, I can hide them. This one I can't hide and I think that is where the panic comes in.

By the way, you MUST click on this link here to see the most awesomely bad tattoo ever! You have to scroll down to the last picture, but trust me it is worth it. At least I didn't get that!!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Aww! You guys made me ink!




Sorry about the poor quality of the pictures of my new tattoo, but I think you guys get the idea. It is "forest green" which on my pale ass skin looks amazing! Like I had planned to, I got it at Fate Tattoo on High Street here in Columbus. The artist's name is Chris and he is really awesome should anyone ever want to get some work done, I highly recommend him. Once I get my bonus at work in February, I plan on going back to him to get my rose tattoo as well. It cost more than I expected (with the tip, 20% thankyouverymuch!, it was around $150.00) but you truly get what you pay for. I wish I had better pictures to show all the detail he put into it -- he really took his time drawing it up and doing it. I never dreamed he would be able to put the thorns on the vines, I just thought I would get the vines and that would be it!

It really is beautiful. Of course, me being me, I sometimes look at my arm and just revel over how pretty it is. At other times I look at it and I panic, "maybe I should have done it closer to my wrist!," "what the hell did I do to myself?," "Am I going to regret this later?," "My parents are going to fucking freak and I really don't want to deal with that." However, It was not a spur of the moment decision, like you all know. Also, having it further down my arm is kind of nice because I can hide it better. Plus, I always go through this panic mode and then end up loving the work. This is just the first one that is super visible. As far as regret ... I can't really see that happening. I don't regret any so far.

The next thing I have to deal with is people asking me why I got the design that I did. So let me take some time to explain it as simply as possible.
P.S. -- I included as many links as I could for those of you who are not familiar with the story of the Lord of the Rings (LOTR). Feel free to click on the pink highlighted words or phrases for more information.

1) If you read my blog, you know where the actual design comes from -- the inside of the doorway to Bagend in the Lord of the Rings. I never read the books until I saw the first of the movies, The Fellowship of the Ring. I loved the movie so much that I devoured the books and fell in love with them. I also began reading a lot about the author, J.R.R. Tolkien and was really blown away by how detailed this world was that he created. His story is really brilliant, and I could go on and on, but I won't bore you with it. My new love of the books and movies jump started my own personal writing. In high school and some college I was constantly writing stories and poetry. I got away from it due to the pressure of college and real life. I ended up having no real way to express myself anymore. It wasn't until this new world - Middle Earth - was shown to me that my creativity begin to flow (beginning with an RPG LOTR website). I will forever be grateful to Prof. Tolkien for giving me back the greatest gift -- my writing. I wanted a movie prop because it all began with watching the movie, and on my right wrist because well, I am right handed.

2) Candy. She and I are both LOTR nerds. If it wasn't for her, I would have never had anyone kick me in the ass to get a new job and start doing something that didn't make me miserable. That is why it was so important to have her there with me. I never told her Sunday night, but there was no one else I would rather have had be there. When I look at it, I will always remember her.
**good to know, right? If I ever ask you to go with me, there is a much deeper meaning behind the invite than just company.**

3) Metaphor. The personal battles I deal with on an everyday basis are certainly not as serious as saving the world from pure evil. However, I do feel as though I am on this long journey toward ... something. I was so overprotected as a child, that I am just now experiencing all of the learning and growing that many of you did in your teens. I love my mother, but nothing was ever good enough for her when it came to me. If I was in a school play and remembered all my lines, she would tell me it looked like I didn't know what I was doing with the dance number. I never developed any real self confidence or love for myself. It is her voice I hear when I begin worrying that I made a mistake getting this tattoo. All along the way of my life, like Frodo, I have times that I don't think that I can go on, that I will just look foolish doing the dance numbers. However, I am weak of heart, but strong of head. I want to be happy and live a long life, I want to be confident and sure of myself, but it is hard to face a constant uphill struggle. If it wasn't for all of the Samwise Gamgee's in my life, I would have stumbled and died a long time ago.

4) Allegory. "It’s dangerous business stepping out your door, Frodo. Once you take your first step there’s no telling where the path will take you." --Bilbo Baggins. I am beginning yet another adventure through my new job. It is very scary, and all along I wanted to quit and go back to Barnes and Noble. It is easier to be miserable than to try something new and possibly fail. However, I didn't give up. It isn't always easy at this new job, but I keep moving on. It sounds corny, but If Bilbo had never opened his door he would have never had the adventures he had and would have never become the person he became. Had I never shut the door on my previous job and walked through those big scary doors at Medco, I would have never become the woman that I am developing into.

I guess it is all about walking (or sometimes being shoved) through the doorways that we face in life.