Someone call Miss Cleo!

So, I open my MSN page today to a very uplifting horoscope. It read:

"Today should be a gratifying day, dear Pisces, full of great news, pleasant surprises, and opening up doors of opportunity on just about every level. Opportunities to earn more money could come your way, new friends could be introduced to you, and opportunities for education and travel also may be presented. Whatever actually manifests out of all this, however, is up to you. You might find decisions difficult."

I am thinking, super! I need some good news on the job search front! I need some insight into where I am going!

What I got was a note in my mailbox from my supervisor telling me she scheduled some "1 on 1 time" with me tomorrow to discuss my "attendance and performance." My performance has been fine, but attendance ... not so much. I am very nervous and will let you all know how it went.

*sigh* Good job psyching me out Moons and stars!!

I am VERY disappointed!

Created by OnePlusYou

Rock and ...What!?

3 Days Grace


Never Too Late

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it
I will not leave alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there's something wrong
Who would have guessed it
And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

The world we knew
Won't come back
The time we've lost
Can't get back
The life we had
Won't be ours again

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late (It's never too late)
It's not too late
It's never too late



*Youtube would not let me embed the actual music video. Which is a shame because the video is wonderful and really moved me.*

Maria Hulyk

I have been debating about how and what to say in this post so much that I have let the story go too long. I don't have the words to describe the emotions I have been going through. The woman's name above is the name of just another customer I had to help at work a week or so ago. Just another older woman calling to order her medication. Just another sweet voice, heavily accented, on the other line.

I often wonder if I was meant to take her call. If, by some act of power much larger than I, her phone call was directed to me. Maybe if someone else had taken her call, they would not have heard her tell them she was a Holocaust survivor and spent time suffering in a concentration camp.
Maybe they would have been too wrapped up in their own lives that they would not have heard that she was only 15 years old at the time.
Maybe they wouldn't have had sympathy for her when she began crying over her husband that she missed so much.
They wouldn't have asked if she had children to help her. They wouldn't have learned that she lost the ability to have children because the Nazi's at the concentration camp put "poisons" in what little food they fed the 'prisoners' so that they wouldn't need to provide "napkins" for the women.
Maybe they wouldn't have cared that she could never adopt because the government felt she and her husband were too old for a baby and her mother in law didn't want to help care for a grown child.

I told her it was an honor to speak with her, but I don't think she caught that. It was a great honor. I don't have the poetry to explain what the Holocaust means to me. I am not of Jewish decent, although I am of Polish decent. In a sense, I feel that I lived through it or died during that time in a previous life. Ever since I was a child I had a certain fascination with the Holocaust that went beyond some sort of sick interest. It all seems very familiar to me. The languages, the fear, the confusion, the architecture. Air sirens strike a terror in me that I could/can never begin to understand.

It is surprising to meet someone who survived such cruelty because they are all passing away from age. Why is this story significant to me? Because people are forgetting. In tears, I started to speak to the woman who sits next to me at work about the amazing life that just touched mine. The woman that is the same age as me. The woman who has a child. The woman who did not know what a concentration camp was. She didn't even know what I meant when I said The Holocaust. Her response. "oh, I think I saw a movie about that once."

A movie?!

History repeats itself, there are Holocaust's going on at this very moment all over the world. Isn't it imperative to not let people die in vain, to remember such important faucets of history? I wish I had the words to express how disappointed and shocked I was that she truly had no idea what I was talking about. When I told her 6 million Jews were murdered along with countless numbers of Gypsy's, Gays and Lesbians, Poles, disabled people, and those denying Hitler she gave me the most horrifying blank look I have ever seen.

Abu Abdullah Muhammad al-Harithi al-Baghdadi al-Mufid said, "No tool is more beneficial than intelligence. No enemy is more harmful than ignorance."


**In looking for an image for this post I came across a very interesting website/article about "The Holocaust Myth". If you are kind enough to read this far, please be kind enough to quickly check out the website. It is short and very interesting. You can find it HERE. Thanks!

These Dreams

So, I am one of those people who have reoccurring dreams. The less frequent one involves me being chased by someone who is trying to hurt or kill me. There is always a child or two in the dream with me that I am desperately trying to protect. I don't need Siggy Freud to explain to me what THAT one means.

But what the hell is with the constant dreams of my damn teeth falling out?! Has anyone else had this dream? Usually it involves my teeth crumbling out of my mouth. It is gross and horrifying. I also seem to have this dream 1-2 times a month. According to the website Dream Moods:

One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. Sadly, we live in a world where good looks are valued highly and your teeth play an important role in conveying that image. Teeth are used in the game of flirtations, whether it be a dazzling and gleaming smile or affectionate necking. These dreams may stem from a fear of your sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old. Teeth are an important feature of our attractiveness and presentation to others.

Another rationalization for these falling teeth dream may be rooted in your fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some specific situation. Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream is an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the value of your own opinion.

A scriptural interpretation for bad or falling teeth indicate that you are putting your faith, trust, and beliefs in what man thinks rather than in the word of God. The bible says that God speaks once, yea twice in a dream or a vision in order to hide pride from us, to keep us back from the pit, to open our ears (spiritually) and to instruct and correct us.

In the Greek culture, when you dream about loose, rotten, or missing teeth, it indicates that a family member or close friend is very sick or even near death.

According to the Chinese, there is a saying that your teeth will fall out if your are telling lies.

It has also been said that if you dream of your teeth falling out, then it symbolizes money. This is based on the old tooth fairy story. If you lose a tooth and leave it under the pillow, a tooth fairy would bring you money.

I don't know how I feel about these interpretations. I don't really think I am all that vain. However, I do frequently feel powerless. I have these dreams so often and they are SO disturbing, that I think they are trying to tell me something. However, I am not sure if any of the above applies. Any suggestions?

Rock and ...What!? (in honor of above post)

HEART
"These Dreams"

Spare a little candle
Save some light for me
figures up ahead
Moving in the trees
White skin in linen
Perfume on my wrist
And the full moon that hangs over
these dreams in the mist
Darkness on the edge
Shadows where I stand
I search for the time
On a watch with no hands
I want to see you clearly
Come closer than this
But all I remember
Are the dreams in the mist
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away

Is it cloak 'n dagger
Could it be spring or fall
I walk without a cut
Through a stained glass wall
Weaker in my eyesight
The candle in my grip
And words that have no form
Are falling from my lips

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away

There's something out there
I can't resist
I need to hide away from the pain
There's something out there
I can't resist
The sweetest song is silence
That I've ever heard
Funny how your feet
In dreams never touch the earth
In a wood full of princes
Freedom is a kiss
But the prince hides his face
From dreams in the mist

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away

Happy Fourth of July. I am feeling very patriotic.

You all lose. I have the best Daddy in the world.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY DAD!

I LOVE YOU.

Feeling a little better today

Thanks for the love, everyone. I am feeling a little better today. I haven't decided if I should write about what happened or not. I have always expressed myself better with the written word, than with talking to someone. That is why I have loved writing about my problems in this blog. I took sometime yesterday to read through old posts of mine and found that I have meltdowns quite a bit. Mostly the issues stay the same. I think it is time for a drastic change. I am just not sure what that change may be. Anyway, I survived the night my darlings.

Something is wrong

I have just spent the last hour sobbing and I can't seem to stop. Something is wrong. Very wrong. I want to reach out to my friends, but I don't know what to say, Where to start. I want to call my parents, but I don't want to scare them. I want to write about it here, but I am tired of being seen like all I do is complain. I can't continue to burden others with my problems. I know others have it worse. But this life is too hard for me. I can't talk to a stranger or doctor about it. Medication doesn't always work. My body is inferior and is in pain. Old medical problems are returning and I just don't want this life anymore. I don't know what to do or where to go. If I am unhappy, I should just fix it right? I don't know HOW.

This is NOT a suicide note.

Just an expression of ... something. I don't even know what anymore. Life is too hard for me and I don't even have it hard. Something needs to change or I am going to break. THIS is where I have been. THIS is why I haven't posted much recently. Is THIS what my life is forever going to be?

Home for Memorial Day!

So, I played hooky from work and took the long Memorial Day holiday to go home to the Youngstown area to visit my family and see my hometown. I haven't been home since well before Thanksgiving, so it was nice to get out of Columbus and calm down for awhile. It was such beautiful weather and was such a lovely visit, that I am seriously considering looking for a little home and moving back there.

I was able to take a few pictures and I thought I would share them. The above one is the view from our front porch taken with my cell phone, believe it or not. It was hard to get a good shot of the flag, since the wind was blowing. However I think the sun on the flag and the gorgeous blue sky reflected my mood and my visit perfectly.

I have no idea why the date is wrong on my pictures yet again! Oh well, don't we have the most amazing and lush trees? This is from the back yard.

This is another tree from behind my neighbor's house. They are so tall and strong. I grew up with these trees, they are like family.

This is a shot of my mother's frog fountain. By the end of the day, the wind had blown so many whirligigs from the neighbor's maple tree into it, that I had to scoop them all out and then add more water. I should have stepped back so that you could see her entire set-up including a wheelbarrow filled with plants and flowers, but I was trying to be artsy.

This is part of our front yard. The tree you see to the left of the shot has an interesting story. We went on vacation when I was in junior high, and while we were gone our asshole neighbors (who have recently moved, yippee!!) called the city and had our huge tree that was growing there cut down. They claimed it was old and dying, but we knew that they just didn't want to rake leaves, pick up branches after a storm, etc. Shortly after we came back, my dad planted a tiny little spindly tree in it's place. We didn't think it would last, but many years later this teenager is shooting high up to the sky!

This is a close up of my mother's magnolia tree. We have about 3 of them on our property. Magnolia's are not my mother's favorite flower (though she does like them), and I actually tend to associate magnolia tree's with my grandmother as she had many and loved them. I am sure that is why mom keeps them around.

This is me trying to be artsy again. Since purple is my favorite color, I love this tree. We have a large one right next to our house on the side where my bedroom is. I remember when it would storm or the wind would blow hard I could lay in bed at night and listen to the tree scrape against the house. It was such a calm and familiar sound it would lull me to sleep. I think it is interesting to see how much of my history and childhood can be told through the plants and the trees.

This is an OLD picture I took of my house many years ago, but I thought I would add it as some things never really change.

THESE bitches are fat and fab!!

I found this photo on a celebrity gossip website that I frequent. The author of the blog challenged his readers to caption this photo with something funny (and inevitably cruel). I want to combat that ugliness.

I challenge you to look at this picture. Don't be shy. Really think about it.


Why would it be amusing/joke worthy to see two beautiful, black, plus sized women celebrating their full bodies?
why does the image of two naked women who do not have "average sized" bodies make us cringe?
Do you look at them and pray you never have bodies as fat as theirs?
or do your eyes well up with tears at the thought that you may never be so secure in your own skin to ever pose like they did?
Is your first reaction to be ashamed for them? Disgusted?
Should women (and men) with bodies like these keep them hidden from view?
What is so obscene about fat?


When I look at this photo I see many things. I see 2 women who have cast off the shelter of clothing to reveal that fat is nothing to be afraid of. I see large breasts swaying with the movement of the life in their bodies. I see soft full bellies. I see dark, honey colored skin covering the same insides we all share. I see dark, honey colored skin that is probably thicker than most people's from years of struggle. I see strong thick thighs that can walk a mile. I see heads held high, placed on confident shoulders that can hold the weight of the world. I see arms that are supple and cast outward in an expression of total joy. I see smiles, not apprehension. I see strength. I see confidence. I see love for oneself.

I see 2 beautiful, FAT and fabulous women.


"'Good and 'better' in respect to beauty are not easy to discern, for it would be quite possible to make two different figures, neither conforming with the other, one stouter, the other thinner, and yet we might scarce be able to judge which of the two excelled in beauty."
~~Albrecht Durer from Four Books Of Human Proportions, 1528

To the producers of Deadliest Catch:

After a long day of dealing with pissed off old people, all I wanted to do was come home and watch a little eye candy on my favorite show Deadliest Catch. I don't know what the hell you folks are doing, but the absence of the Cornelia Marie did not go unnoticed!

Just so you know, I can't get into this new boat The Early Dawn. Plus, it is no substitute for our favorite boats we fans have come to know and love. I understand that you think it is good television to have the boat owner's incompetent son on board, but it just isn't cutting it.

However, making D.C. just the "Time Bandit-Wizard-Cornelia Marie-show" would be better. ;)

I understand that the other new boat, The North American, is a friend to show consultant The Northwestern. However, there isn't enough room for a new vessel and I would be very pissed to see any of the fan favorites get pushed aside to make room for a new boat. You only have one, maybe 2 more seasons left of Deadliest Catch before people lose interest. Haven't you ever heard the phrase "Don't fix what ain't broke"? I appreciate you wanting to show more boats, new stories and interesting people. But just don't, okay?

So, basically what I am saying is change is bad. Keep the boats we love and stop wasting time with the new ones. OH, and I swear to God if you cut the Cornelia Marie off the show again I am going to lose my shit!



Also, I would appreciate it if you could find some footage of Crosby Leveen from The Wizard pulling pots in nothing but a smile. Oh! and a few shots of The Cornelia Marie's Dave Millman shirtless would be nice too.

SO, what do you think?

New Kids on the Block's new single "Summertime". Eh.

Random posting at 1 a.m.

Super ... I have ants.

Carpenter ants or termites to be exact. Shit.

I have already bombed my apartment once, and have sprayed the hell out of my apartment, yet they still keep coming back.

I swear, I open the door to my place and I get the wonderful aroma of Raid.

I wonder if I am poisoning myself? Great.

Is this a pimple or a third eye? Damn insecticides.

They love to hang out around my computer. My internet porn hobby has been rudely interrupted by flying and crawling things.

I can't go to the grocery store for fear that I have an infestation and they will eat all my food.

When I went to see my parents for a quick visit recently, they brought me a ton of Amish cheese.

All I am eating is cheese.

I can't poop.

Life is grand.

That is all.

Rock and ...What!?

"Shelter"
Sarah McLachlan

They're crowded into the smallest spaces
While outside, all of nature cries
It's known to be cruel and unfair
But there is no place to hide
Oh, I've seen a part of people that I never really wanted to share
Oh, I've seen a part of people that I never knew was there

Shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
Shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm

I can't sleep - haunted by their faces
The sadness in their eyes
It hurts so much to see them helpless
It makes me want to cry
But still there is so much left unanswered
For so many innocent lives
They closed the door and are letting nobody in
And only the strong will survive

Shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
Give them shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm

I've seen the anger and I've seen all the dreams
And I've watched their existence torn apart at the seams
And though I may seem helpless
I will do all that I can do
I've seen a part of people that I never really wanted to share
Oh, I've seen a part of people that I never knew was there

Shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
Give them shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
Shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
Give them shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm

He never did tell me what his problem was.

Yes folks, it has finally happened. Lothian has finally been cursed out on the phone. I have heard tale of a strange phenomenon where unhappy people phone call centers and curse out the poor working Joe or Josephine answering the call. I have been told that I have a sweet voice and have been able to deescalate a few angry people on my phone calls. However I have never been cursed at. I have only had one person say "this is bullshit", but never directed a me. Well, now I can officially join the ranks.

I started my new schedule at work Monday and was pretty happy about it. Instead of working four 1o hour days, I went to 8 hour days. Instead of working mornings, I am working 3:30-midnight which is more my pace anyway. My first phone call was some old man yelling about his eye drops and he was not very pleasant at all. In fact he told me, "well, there is no reason for me to say thank you since you didn't do anything." Well, sorry sir. I can't move mountains and I certainly can't fill your eye drops and drive them to your house, so deal with it. I just had to shake my head at him since he was 84 and probably going to die soon anyway.

Okay, okay!! I know that is not very nice to say, but sometimes when people are mean ... your brain goes there.

Anyway, the rest of the night was cranky Monday people. Pretty typical until I got Mr sunshine on the line. He demanded that I connect him with the Texas call center. Maybe he doesn't like Ohioans? Anyway, when calls come in they go to the next available representative. This way the member doesn't have to wait forever for assistance. That rep could be in Ohio, Nevada, Tampa or Texas. I have no way of transferring him to a specific center. I simply can't.

After going back and fourth with him telling me this was something I could do, and me telling him "no really, I can't." He yelled "Fuck You! get me to the Texas call center I am tired of this bullshit!" Now, it took all of my super human powers to not tell him where he can shove the Texas call center. As many of you know, I can curse with the best of them. Believe me, if I could have passed his sorry ass off to someone else I would have immediately.

Well ... pass him off is exactly what I did. We are not allowed to offer supervisors, the asshole has to ask for them. However, I am NOT GOING TO BE TREATED LIKE DIRT. I transferred him off and the poor supervisor got an ear full too. Bless her heart, she is a bigger woman than I am because I could never tolerate someone telling me "do as your told, get me to the Texas call center!"

Do as I am told? Aw Hells NO!!

Sorry I haven't been around much lately, but ...

It was one year ago today.

an open letter

Dear Joshua Garmon* of Dennis Hyundai on Morse Road,
I was sorry to not end up buying a car from you when I was in the market for a new car. You seemed like a really nice guy. You told us you were going to school to be a minister and I believe you. I will even confess that I really wanted to buy the Outlander from you.
However, after receiving numerous phone calls from you after you knew I went with another dealer I am really starting to hate your ass. First of all, thank you for offering to move our car while we browsed models. At first, I thought it was really nice of you, until I realized it was all a tactic to get us to come inside when we were ready to leave -- you kept our keys.
I also found it interesting that you "forgot" to give my father back his drivers license after we were done running his credit. It was "miraculously" found the very next day -- so that we would have to come back to the dealership to pick it up. Please don't think I am stupid. I knew what kind of prank you were pulling and it gave me a great thrill to drive up to your dealership in my brand new Kia Rondo.
Do you realize you kept us over 3 hours at that dealership? We told you from the beginning we were not walking out of there with a car, yet you continued to hound us. We told you I could not afford to pay more than $300 a month for payments. Yet, you came back to us with figures in the $400's? We told you I did not want to lease a car, and yet you continued to crunch numbers for a lease. Not only is all of that a waste of our time, but it was a waste of yours as well.
Finally, stop calling me! It is none of your Goddamn business "what kind of deal" Kia gave me. It was better than the one you gave me! It is harassment to continue calling, and rude to ask how much I payed for the car. Originally, I was going to recommend you to others. Not any more. I would have thought that after the first 3 phone calls I didn't return, you would have gotten the point. If you call me just one more time, not only will I report you to your boss, but I will file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau against the entire dealership and your shady tactics.

Got it?!
--Lothian

*his real name and phone number 614-905-9838 (updated phone number)