You all lose. I have the best Daddy in the world.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY DAD!

I LOVE YOU.

Feeling a little better today

Thanks for the love, everyone. I am feeling a little better today. I haven't decided if I should write about what happened or not. I have always expressed myself better with the written word, than with talking to someone. That is why I have loved writing about my problems in this blog. I took sometime yesterday to read through old posts of mine and found that I have meltdowns quite a bit. Mostly the issues stay the same. I think it is time for a drastic change. I am just not sure what that change may be. Anyway, I survived the night my darlings.

Something is wrong

I have just spent the last hour sobbing and I can't seem to stop. Something is wrong. Very wrong. I want to reach out to my friends, but I don't know what to say, Where to start. I want to call my parents, but I don't want to scare them. I want to write about it here, but I am tired of being seen like all I do is complain. I can't continue to burden others with my problems. I know others have it worse. But this life is too hard for me. I can't talk to a stranger or doctor about it. Medication doesn't always work. My body is inferior and is in pain. Old medical problems are returning and I just don't want this life anymore. I don't know what to do or where to go. If I am unhappy, I should just fix it right? I don't know HOW.

This is NOT a suicide note.

Just an expression of ... something. I don't even know what anymore. Life is too hard for me and I don't even have it hard. Something needs to change or I am going to break. THIS is where I have been. THIS is why I haven't posted much recently. Is THIS what my life is forever going to be?

Home for Memorial Day!

So, I played hooky from work and took the long Memorial Day holiday to go home to the Youngstown area to visit my family and see my hometown. I haven't been home since well before Thanksgiving, so it was nice to get out of Columbus and calm down for awhile. It was such beautiful weather and was such a lovely visit, that I am seriously considering looking for a little home and moving back there.

I was able to take a few pictures and I thought I would share them. The above one is the view from our front porch taken with my cell phone, believe it or not. It was hard to get a good shot of the flag, since the wind was blowing. However I think the sun on the flag and the gorgeous blue sky reflected my mood and my visit perfectly.

I have no idea why the date is wrong on my pictures yet again! Oh well, don't we have the most amazing and lush trees? This is from the back yard.

This is another tree from behind my neighbor's house. They are so tall and strong. I grew up with these trees, they are like family.

This is a shot of my mother's frog fountain. By the end of the day, the wind had blown so many whirligigs from the neighbor's maple tree into it, that I had to scoop them all out and then add more water. I should have stepped back so that you could see her entire set-up including a wheelbarrow filled with plants and flowers, but I was trying to be artsy.

This is part of our front yard. The tree you see to the left of the shot has an interesting story. We went on vacation when I was in junior high, and while we were gone our asshole neighbors (who have recently moved, yippee!!) called the city and had our huge tree that was growing there cut down. They claimed it was old and dying, but we knew that they just didn't want to rake leaves, pick up branches after a storm, etc. Shortly after we came back, my dad planted a tiny little spindly tree in it's place. We didn't think it would last, but many years later this teenager is shooting high up to the sky!

This is a close up of my mother's magnolia tree. We have about 3 of them on our property. Magnolia's are not my mother's favorite flower (though she does like them), and I actually tend to associate magnolia tree's with my grandmother as she had many and loved them. I am sure that is why mom keeps them around.

This is me trying to be artsy again. Since purple is my favorite color, I love this tree. We have a large one right next to our house on the side where my bedroom is. I remember when it would storm or the wind would blow hard I could lay in bed at night and listen to the tree scrape against the house. It was such a calm and familiar sound it would lull me to sleep. I think it is interesting to see how much of my history and childhood can be told through the plants and the trees.

This is an OLD picture I took of my house many years ago, but I thought I would add it as some things never really change.