I have just spent the last hour sobbing and I can't seem to stop. Something is wrong. Very wrong. I want to reach out to my friends, but I don't know what to say, Where to start. I want to call my parents, but I don't want to scare them. I want to write about it here, but I am tired of being seen like all I do is complain. I can't continue to burden others with my problems. I know others have it worse. But this life is too hard for me. I can't talk to a stranger or doctor about it. Medication doesn't always work. My body is inferior and is in pain. Old medical problems are returning and I just don't want this life anymore. I don't know what to do or where to go. If I am unhappy, I should just fix it right? I don't know HOW.
This is NOT a suicide note.
Just an expression of ... something. I don't even know what anymore. Life is too hard for me and I don't even have it hard. Something needs to change or I am going to break. THIS is where I have been. THIS is why I haven't posted much recently. Is THIS what my life is forever going to be?
3 comments:
Oh, Lothian, I'm so sorry to hear that you feel this way. I have been feeling such malaise lately and understand how heavy it is. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way and NO... these feelings are not a broken engine. We can't just fix "it" like an engine or some other such project. Whatever your pain is, it is real and significant. I hate when people tell me that I have nothing to complain about and that others have it worse. Each individual's worst pain is the worst pain. You are entitled to feel it, to the depths. And there are so many of us who appreciate how you are feeling and want to reassure you that your life will not always be lived in this pain.
You are a beautiful, expressive, human being. There is nothing wrong with you and you do not have to endure this alone! You are so very brave for owning how you feel. I am thinking of you and just a few clicks away!
It isn't easy, is it? The one thing that helps me immensely is writing my angst.
For me, I have to give it to my characters. From my loneliness to my anger, I give it all to my characters.
The left overs end up on my blog. LOL.
I know a little of how you feel.
Hang in there Lothian, sometimes things have to get tough to get better. In the winter of '94 I remember living in Soldota, AK, standing outside in 20 below weather, watching the northern lights and bawling my eyes out, the tears freeing in my beard. My Mom had died of cancer just wonths before, I was seperated, heading for divorce, it was almost Christmas and I was facing it alone. I cried and prayed and talked to my Mom in heaven that night, dang near froze to death, asking for help in moving forward. Two weeks later my house burned to the ground with everything in it - live got tougher still but it broke me out of the rut I was in and eventually life got better. I think of all the adventures and fun I've had in the years since then - of course I still struggle with things, my weight especially - but I've had such a great life, and it took a nudge. I guess my advice is to take a long view, don't be afraid to ask others for help, involve God in the process, and take one day at a time. Sorry to be long winded - cheers, steve
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