Happy Birthday

Colin,

Happy Birthday my darling!


Your present is waiting for you between the sheets. Lubed up and ready to ride.

Come and get it anytime.


Yours truly,

-Lo.

Update-Palooza! ultimate long postie-poo

Damn, I think Blogger is going to blow up with all these freaking posts I have done tonight. I know I have not been keeping you all updated lately and I apologize. Working two jobs is kicking my ass. However, I had some free time after cleaning and before sleeping, so I thought I better get my ass to typing.

My new job (which I think I will permanently refer to as "that test grading thing") is going fantastic. Some of the people are a little ... odd. The first project didn't go so great, and thought "what the hell have I gotten myself into now?" I really didn't like my "team leader" and I was trying, with some failure, to adjust to the new way of grading and the new type of papers I was grading. I recently found in the bottom of my purse a scribbled rant wrote around that transitioning time about the people there:

"Dear susie sonofabitch,
I can't stand listening to you chomp and chew on your fucking Styrofoam rice cakes. Clicking and clacking your claw-like fake nails furiously on the computer keyboard like a pissed off wood pecker going to town on a tin roof. Hearing your nasally voice moving around the break room whining into your cellphone "can you hear me know?" like a bad parody of an even more annoying commercial.
love,
- Lo."

I feel better know though. I have met some really nice people and am working pretty steady. I think I will have projects to do until the end of July. Then ... I have no idea. I really don't know what I am going to do once I have to go back to full time at the store. I can barely stand showing up 3 times a week. By the way, I will announce it now: stand corrected! I can'tt work more than 23 hours. I should not have complained about not getting 30 hours. I barely want to show up now as it is. I Am glad I only got scheduled 23 hours a week. It's pretty nice not giving a shit, and not having to give a shit. I get to do the bare minimum and that's it. Not too shabby.

An update on my health:
I had a recent doctors appointment to get a prescription refilled. Yep, I have to make an appointment and go see her to get stuff refilled. ($$$) Anyway, while I was there I decided to do some "spring cleaning."

Remember the 'lady problem' I have been having lately? The never-ending lady problem? Yea. Last time I saw her, she told me I had to research what birth control pills I wanted to be on and find out the generic names of them before she would prescribe them to me. I did all that (with some help from Maggie).

Months later, at the appointment, she could have cared less what pill I wanted. I could have chosen any! Plus, I didn't need the generic name. All I needed to do was tell the pharmacist that I wanted generic and voila! $10! All these years being miserable because I couldn't afford $35, only to find out that generic has been available the whole time!!
Things haven't improved for me yet, (and I am sure I am not protected yet boys!) However, it hasn't quite been a month, so I am hoping this gets all cleared up soon.

Now for my spanking.
Have been with holding information from ya'll. I don't know why I haven't been open and telling about it, I just wished to keep it kind of quiet. I certainly wasn't trying to hide it, I was just tired of having "something wrong with me". I guess I figured that if I didn't tell anyone about it, maybe it wouldn't go badly.

See, for the past few years, I have had these ... heart palpitations. I will just be hanging out, working, trying to sleep, etc when all of a sudden my heart seems to skip a beat. I couldn't figure any cause of it (exertion, caffeine, stress), so I of course ignored it. I think my heart would have to be hanging out of my bellybutton before I would think to go to a doctor to see what was up!

Well, a couple of months ago the palps starting increasing in frequency. Then, one night at work I had a really bad episode and almost blacked out & passed out. Since I used to be a smoker, I am overweight, I have bad heart issues on both sides of the family, and my grandmother had to have a pacemaker to combat an irregular heartbeat, I figured it was time to mention it.

The doc sent me a cardiologist who took things really seriously. The short of a long story is: I have a really fast heart rate (around 100 bpm with the average being around 60-90 bpm) and pretty okay blood pressure. He ran some blood work and everything looked good (cholesterol, potassium, etc). I had to take a stress test that involved a (quite painful) ultrasound of my heart, followed by a monitored stint on the treadmill, followed by another (I mean, I have bruises!) painful ultrasound. The results looked good though, everything is structurally alright with my heart.

I have to wear an "event monitor" for 30 days. Basically it is this cool little machine that I wear 24-7. I put a little sticky on my chest, and one under my left breast. Then I snap little electrodes onto them and put the monitor in my pocket. Whenever I get a palpitation or feel my heart doing the funky chicken, I press record. It records for 60 seconds -- like a mini EKG. Once I get one or two recordings saved, I call a 1-800 number and talk to a tech who takes some info from me like what I was doing and what my symptoms were. Then, I put the phone to the monitor and press send. It screeches and beeps like a fax machine having sex with an internet connection. Then that is it! Pretty cool contraption.

I have only recorded one thing so far, and my skin is breaking out into hive-like blotches from having to wear those electrodes. I must be allergic to the adhesive. So wearing it is a pain in the ass, but if it shows something, then great. In 30 days, I just mail the thing and they will look at what I sent and let me know where to go from there.

In the meantime, he prescribed me a medication to lower my heart rate. For some reason, I am afraid to take it. So I am going to wait until after I send back the monitor to fill it. Apparently it makes you really tired for the first few weeks so I want to be done working the two jobs so that I am not dragging and doing really poor work.

Needless to say, I also need to lose some major weight. let's just say I was WELL over what I thought I weighed. I have always told myself that I would never panic about my weight unless I went over a particular number. I have blown past that number by about 15 pounds.

I am doing good though. I am starting to eat better, and exercising. I think I will buy an at-home exercise DVD (that I can tolerate without being really annoyed) and start doing workouts at home, as well as taking regular walks. I may even look into whether I can afford to join a health club again. I used to do water aerobics at a place that is now right across the street from me, and I loved it! I think it is only $15/month, so I might be able to swing it.

If anyone wants to start getting more active with me, I need all the help and motivation I can get. I hate exercise, I hate sweating, I hate hot summer days, and I love ice cream. However, I am ONLY doing this to be healthier. Weight-loss is only a nice side effect of keeping my heart and knees healthy. I think this mind frame is what will keep me going in all this. I need to feel young again because I AM YOUNG! DAMN IT!

Oh, and the hot dude that I work with is certainly motivation too! More about him in a later post...

One Amazing Broad!

The hot mama wearing the visor is my good friend Donna. She is a big supporter of the Susan Komen race and walk for the cure. According to her website she will be be participating in the:

"Susan Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure November 9-11 in San Diego. I'll be walking 60 miles in 3 days! But I have a lot of work to do before that, like getting in shape, and collecting the $2,200 in pledges that I need. Please visit my Official HQ page at

http://www.the3day.org/sandiego07/princesspixie
or contact me at pproyale@yahoo.com."

Please visit Donna's brand new and purty blog at http://donnasblogforthecure.blogspot.com/
Send her some love and if you can, please donate a small bit to her cause. As you can see, she needs to raise quite a bit of money and can't do it alone. If you visit her Official HQ page, you can make a donation. It is quick and easy, and you can donate any amount -- even $5.

She didn't ask me to post this and will probably kill me for doing so. However, she is a dear friend and anything I can do to help, I shall. I personally have already donated to her pledges and if everyone out there just donated 5 bucks, we could get her walking that 60 miles. Plus, she will get to visit with her brand new grand-baby boy!

Congratulations Donna and GOOD LUCK!!

Don't Chew Jesus

I have been sitting on this post for awhile. I just haven't had the time to fully dedicate my anger toward this on going issue. Well, look out bitches because I got the time now!

Recently while I was at work, a co-worker came up to me with some disturbing information. She said a customer had just came up to her with a book from our Gay and Lesbian book section that had a religious tract on the inside.
Don't know what a tract is? Here is some (quite) interesting information on tracts that I got from Wikipedia:

As religious literature, they were used throughout the turbulence of the Protestant Reformation, and various uphevals of the 17th century. They came to such prominence again in the Oxford Movement that it became known as Tractarianism, after the publication in the 1830s and 1840s of a series of religious essays collectively called Tracts for the Times.

These tracts were written by a group of Church of England clergy including John Henry Newman, John Keble, Henry Edward Manning, and Edward Pusey. They were theological discourses that sought to establish the continuity between the Church of England and the patristic period of church history. They had a vast influence on Anglo-Catholicism. They were learned works and varied in length from four to over 400 pages.[1] An important center for the spreading of tracts was the London-based Religious Tract Society.[2] Tracts were used both within England - affecting the conversion of pioneer missionary to China, Hudson Taylor - as well as in the cross cultural missions movements such as Taylor founded: the China Inland Mission. Charles Spurgeon wrote many tracts, and in addition to these evangelical writings, his "Penny Sermons" were printed weekly and distributed widely by the millions and used in a similar way.

The publishing of tracts for religious purposes has continued unabated. In the United States, the American Tract Society has continuously published literature of this type since 1825. As evangelistic tools, tracts became promininent in the Jesus movement. One of the most widely distributed was "The Four Spiritual Laws" authored by Bill Bright of Campus Crusade for Christ and first published in 1965. "This Was Your Life" was the first of many tracts written by Jack Chick. Later Chick tracts followed the pattern vivid cartoon images and began to focus on vehement Anti-Catholic opinions.

In the 1980s and 1990s Last Days Ministries reprinted articles in the Last Days Newsletter by Keith Green and other contemporary and historic writers including David Wilkerson, Leonard Ravenhill, Winkie Pratney, Charles Finney, John Wesley, and William Booth. More recently Living Waters Publications prints tracts such as "The Atheist Test" or "Are You Good Enough to Go to Heaven?", as well as tracts which feature attention-getting illusions or gags. These include the "Million Dollar Bill", which caused a legal controversy in June 2006.

Brochure-like tracts, also known as pamphlets, advocating political positions have also been used throughout history as well. They were used throughout Europe in the 17th century. In the 18th century, they featured prominently in the political unrest leading up to the American Revolution. A well-known example of a far-reaching tracts from this era is Common Sense by Thomas Paine.

Tracts were used for political purposes throughout the 20th century. They were used to spread Nazi propaganda in central Europe during the 1930s and 1940s. According to Jack Chick, his impetus to design cartoon-based religious tracts was brought on by hearing of a similar promotional tool used by Communists in China to wide success. [3] In the months before the John F. Kennedy assassination, Lee Harvey Oswald handed out pamphlets promoting Fidel Castro and Communist Cuba on the streets of New Orleans, Louisiana.

I've never seen any political tracts, just the religious ones. They are fucking everywhere: under your windshield wipers, given to waitresses as tips, and books. This co-worker and I went through every single GLBT book in that section and found over 10 tracts folded inside various books. Many of the tracts had the words "Death" or "Heaven or Hell?" in big letters on the front.

I went to our New Age section, and by God, there were more of those suckers inside books on Wicca, Witchcraft, Magical Arts, Astrology and Occult. Let's just say I was PPIISSEEDD!!

Of course, there is not a whole hell of a lot that you can do to stop these terrorists. If you don't see them placing something inside of books, you can't punish them or stop them. I do understand that my employer can't set up signs that say "please refrain from placing your hate into our publications". I would love to know if anyone has ever been "saved" from reading one of these!

I just wish more can be done. It breaks my heart to imagine the poor person who innocently opens their Lesbian parenting guide book only to find a pamphlet telling them they are going to Hell. They do not deserve to experience that and no matter how hard you think your heart is, hate still hurts. To be honest it would make me not want to go back to that store, even if it wasn't the fault of the business but the fault of their ignorant, simple minded, hate-filled, inbred, hypocritical customers.

Don't get me wrong, I think religion can be down right beautiful. If you have that peace in your heart and you come from a pure place, then I can honor that. It is when hate and judgment are being thrown at people in God's name. He who is without sin, cast the first stone. If I need saving, I will find you. There is a fucking church on every corner. I don't mean to pick on the Christians because many religions have those holier than thou people who perform atrocities in the name of religion. By the way, what does Hell look like Mr. Fallwell?

So, what can I DO? Well, every week I go through those sections of the bookstore and remove any hate pamphlets I find and pitch them. I also thought about scanning the tracts I found to show you what they looked like, but I thought better of it. However, I think we should write, or call or e-mail these folks and let them know just how much their words mean to us. I even thought about grabbing a whole bunch of subscription cards from gay magazines and feminist magazines and signing them up for subscriptions. (wink, wink)

Those words should be burned and the addresses ... shared with all!:

"If you have decided to trust Jesus Christ as your Saviour after reading this tract, please write and let us know."
Fellowship Tract League
PO Box 164
Lebanon, Ohio 45036
www.fellowshiptractleague.org

"This prayer card answers a request from Our Lady that prayer cards be distributed throughout America so that all might know she has come here and wishes to be known as Our Lady of Light. To honor her request and help to distribute her prayer cards, write to:"
Our Lady of Light Prayer Card
PO Box 176236
Covington, KY 41017
859-331-9393


To all of you tract passers: As Frank Zappa once sang, "Jesus thinks you're a jerk."

**The title of my post comes from an actual book in the Christianity section. Don't believe me? Check it out right here. The title cracks my shit up every time!**

Employee Appreciation

EMPLOYEE APPRECIATION DAYS ARE A-COMIN'!

GET THE GOODS WHILE THEY ARE HOT!

LET ME KNOW WHAT CHA' NEED, GIVE ME SOME CASH, AND I WILL

PICK IT UP FOR YOU.

BOOKS: 40%
CD DVD: 30%


JUNE 8-12TH

YOU KNOW WHERE

Not just a fan...

Not only do I love watching and reading about crab fishing and commercial fishing of all kinds, I actually care about the men and women behind the stories I love so much.

May 6th is a special day. The following blurb is from the Seattle Fisherman's Memorial to honor those who have gone to sea, only to never return. May they rest in peace and may their families find solace someday. To read more, or donate just click the blue link above.

"In 1988, the Seattle Fishermen's Memorial dedicated a magnificent bronze and stone aggregate monument at Seattle's Fishermen's Terminal. The celebration culminated years of effort and generous contribution by Seattle's commercial fishing community. This towering sculpture and the bronze name plaques at its base have become a place of reverence, recognition and healing for the families of more than 670 local commercial fishermen and women who have lost their lives pursuing their livelihood since the turn of the century.

More than a tribute to an industry and the lives of its men and women, the monument fills a special need for commercial fishing families. In many instances, those who are lost at sea simply vanish, leaving their loved ones without a word or a trace. The construction of this monument has provided their memory a residence, a site for family and friends to visit, to place flowers, to reflect and to heal.

Each Spring, on the first Sunday of May, the Memorial hosts a service to honor all of those who have died at sea and to place additional names on the plaques. Sadly, commercial fishing remains the country's most dangerous profession, and new names have been added each year."

Aunt Barbara

http://www.my.tupperware.com/imauntbarbara

Aunt Barbara Presents Processed Meat from Austria

I. Love. Her!
See more of my aunt, at
http://my2.tupperware.com/tup-html/I/imauntbarbara-welcome.html

Kissy face.

Ha! Finally I am able to post my kissy face picture that I took for all of you that have been showing me such love over the past couple of weeks (and years). Thanks for putting up with me bitches!

26 HOURS!!??

26 hours!? That is all you can give me is 26 fucking hours!! I guess it is time for a new job. After working for 6 years, every fucking holiday (except christmas), every inventory night, doing all the grunt work, putting up with certifiably insane people, being yelled at, cursed at, talked down to, and insulted...I get 26 fucking hours?

You know what, fine. One day I will get mine. One day I will be the one in charge. One day I can be the one with the power and I am totally going to

FUCK! YOU! OVER!

Maybe I will be in charge of the nursing home your poor ass will be sitting in. Yeah, and I will put fucking laxatives in your apple sauce.

On second thought, your assholes are probably going to be so fucking tight from years of being power-hungry, suck-up wannabes that you will want to shit.

So no fucking Prunes for you. Ever!


PS- Hey you! Yeah, the bitch I closed with tonight. You wanna know why I was so quiet tonight and not talking to you? For once it didn't have anything to do with your ass, so stop thinking you are the center of my universe. You just assume it is Lothian being pissy again.

I was quiet because I was sad. I got a call tonight that my Aunt died.

I wasn't being bitchy, or crabby, or fucking miserable in my work. I was sad. I don't share my sadness. I don't fucking walking around telling everyone who has a set of ears about my medical problems. I like to keep my personal, personal.

A LESSON, STOP ASSUMING AND START ASKING! STOP IGNORING AND START BEING MORE PROACTIVE. THERE IS A REASON EVERYONE IS FUCKING MISERABLE. IT ISN'T ALL OUR FAULTS.
Open your goddamn eyes people.

Sig and Edgar Hansen on Leno 4/24/07

Oh, and you bitches thought nobody but me watched Deadliest Catch??

Thank you!

Thank you. That's all I can say is thank you.

I am totally overwhelmed by the support of everyone out there! I am doing much better as the idea gets more and more embedded in my brain. I still have the random panic attacks when I think about sleeping outside in a cardboard box because I took a chance on life...

However, that is doing me no good so I need to STOP IT!! I called my folks and let them in on everything and to my great surprise they were really very supportive. They said that they felt I was doing the right thing, and if I needed their help I can have it. So all in all, it has been a good day.

Also, I found 49 cents on the floor at work today, so I am financially set for a while.

As usual, I will keep everyone posted as I find out more information and things develop. Hopefully things are looking up for me and I can start making you laugh again instead of freaking everyone out and depressing them.

I love you, I am off to get some well deserved sleep.

EASIER TO BE MISERABLE

I am so exhausted from crying and being stressed out that I don't even know if I can be cohesive. Basically I just stepped down from my job. I didn't quit, I am just not going to be a "Lead" anymore. I enjoy this test grading thing too much to give it up and I can't do both. I think I could do both, but my 'permanent job' will not let me. I applied to the 3 other companies in Columbus that do test grading and I begin a new project with them on Wednesday.

Why am I upset? First of all, my manager did not even bat an eye when I told her I was stepping down. She didn't care one bit. I don't understand what I needed to give her, what I needed to do to make her happy. All I ever wanted was to do a good job! All I ever wanted was to be appreciated. All I ever wanted was some respect. I get none of that from her. I don't understand it and I don't find it fair. I don't understand why I care so much.

I thought I did my job well. For fuck's sake, I have been a "Lead" for the majority of my 6 years at my job. (If I had to venture a guess, I would say 5 of those 6 I have been a "Lead.") It is incredibly hard for me to just give that up -- it is all I have known for all these years. No matter how much I joke about it and how little I show it, believe it or not, I do fucking care about my job. I do want things to look nice and be correct. I feel a sense of pride walking through the area of the store that I take care of and know that it is correct and looks nice. I thought my stepping down would have been shown a little more respect and thoughtfulness than just a shrug of the shoulder and an "Oh, Okay."

Why am I terrified? Read the title of this post. I have always found it to be easier to be miserable than to shake up my life and change things. Hell, my garbage disposal hasn't worked in nearly a year because it is easier for me to just deal with it than call the landlord and have him rip everything up to fix it.

Pathetic isn't it? I am just not a risk taker and I fear the unknown. However, I have been so miserable these past few years. Every time I pray, it is to be happy. Every time I 'make a wish' it is to be happy. Every time I look in the mirror, I do not like what I see. I never used to be a Big bitter babe. I used to be happy. I contemplate suicide sometimes because my life is NOT what it is supposed to be. It is just in a shitty rut that, for whatever reason, I will not get myself out of. I am in my own fucking way.

Recently I filled out a "fun" e-mail questionnaire made by a friend of mine. I answered truthfully and sent it on it's merry little way. Thank goodness I saved a copy of it because I got to thinking about my answers. I looked them over and realized how much my replies revealed. I will include the survey at the end of my post. I am sure you will find the revealing answers too if you read it.

So ... now I have really set myself up! I am losing at least 75 cents an hour. I am not guaranteed hours. In fact, the way the manager talked I may not get any at all. I have a sneaking suspicion that she will take this opportunity to push me out.

All I really want to know is ... why?

I shouldn't worry, right? I have another job. I have this test grading thing, right? Yeah, right. It is not permanent - it is on a project by project basis. I could find myself without any work in the next month. I could find myself without any insurance.

OR ... I could find the happiness that I am looking for.

I am in financial dire straits right now, so the fat angel that is on my shoulder is telling me to just give up this test-grading-finding-a-job-I-love bullshit dream and just go back to my permanent job. She is telling me that it is a stupid idea and one that will never work. She says that all I am going to do is go back in a month to my workplace begging for my "Lead" job back. She is yelling that I will never find something to make me happy, that all jobs suck. I should not be taking such a risk because I will lose it all.

However, the chubby little devil on my other shoulder is whispering to me that this is no big deal. That maybe this is just the push I need to get out of retail completely. She says that it isn't like I am quitting my job completely. She is still holding onto the hope that there is some good left in this world and that if I need more hours, I will be able to have them. She knows I do a good job and will be shown the respect I deserve someday and by someone. She looks at someone like my dear friend and motivator Candy, with longing. A longing to have the kind of "fly-by-night", "no matter what happens it will be okay", "life is too short to not be happy"- kind of attitude.

So who do I listen to? The devil or the Angel? I certainly can't get my heart and my head to make a decision they both agree on! I am just crossing my fingers and hope that it will all be alright. I am leaning on my friends and their support as I know that many have been where I am right now. I envy Candy and her life motto to be happy and enjoy life. I aspire to be more like her and I pray her outlook on life will please rub off on me.

I want to look back on my life and see that I did more than just worked for a living. I never understood living to work. Yet, how do we travel or have a roof over our heads or eat if we don't have money? We need to work to get money, and thus my conundrum arises. I want to travel and see this world. I want to study other cultures. I want to be a writer. I want to be famous. I want to understand the world around me. I want a damn dog and an apartment that isn't in the ghetto. Yet, a job is always going to be in the way of that. I will always need money to live. So in a way, why live?

I feel like I am falling down a deep and dark rabbit hole and the only things I have to grasp onto are my friend's hands. I have never allowed myself to rely on others. I DO NOT ask for help. I DO NOT let people see me cry. I DO NOT let people make me cry. However, I am going to have to do this to move on. To get out of the shitty rut. I am beginning a very difficult and dark journey.

If you have read this far, then thank you for reading and thank you for being there for me. Sometimes I just need to write things out to feel a little better and figure things out in my own head. I purge, I read, and I hopefully feel better and understand more. Posting it so people can read it just holds me to things a little more. I have learned so much just from people coming up to me and saying that they liked what I wrote, that they found it funny, or that they have had some similar experience to share. Sometimes it is just people coming up to me and saying "damn lothian, I never knew you felt that way."

I never got around to it, but it meant so much to me to log in and find a supportive comment from "Dennis in Dallas," someone I have never even met! Or the love that "A concerned Co-Worker" shows me. I even appreciate the sass that Ron snaps at me. And then there are those who don't leave me comments, but hug me the next time they see me. Thank you.

I hope you will come on this ride with me.


**As promised, The Proust Questionnaire**

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Sitting by a lake with the breeze in my face, just listening to the silence.

What is your greatest fear?
Death. I don't like the unknown and being alone.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I don't know if I can identify with them, but I always felt I was killed in the Holocaust in a former life. It all seems so familiar and strikes a fear and an empathy in me that I do not understand or could explain.

Which living person do you most admire?
Those with physical and mental (and others) challenges who live life to the fullest and do not hide themselves away. The amount of discrimination they must face on a day to day basis is unimaginable to me.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My anger/irritation with the general public. I never used to be that way, I used to love meeting strangers and talking with them.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Someone who is inconsiderate and so caught up in their own little world that they don't consider others. Common decency is dead in our society.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Books and DVD's. Self pity.

What is your favorite journey?
To the realization of something profound about myself that I have been lacking all these years.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Modesty

On what occasion do you lie?
When I fear I will hurt someone by telling them the truth. I value honesty to the highest, so I tend to not lie.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
All of it, I wish I was in a different body all together.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"Like", "You Know", "And stuff like that", and any version of "Fuck" that I feel appropriate.

What is your greatest regret?
Thinking that it was all my fault and not telling them right away.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My parents and sisters: Dad, Mom, Jennifer, Angel, Phylis, (in that order I think) and all the rest of the family and friends.

Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to sing ... well.

What is your current state of mind?
Discontent and devastated

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
I would make them live closer to me and actually talk to one another and not hold ancient grudges.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I haven't done it yet. Although going to a large college 3 hours away from my family and my small town was a pretty big achievement.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
I think it would be a spider because I have killed so many of them in the past (I have since taken a vow to not kill them) and it would be pay back time.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
A Buddhist monk.

What is your most treasured possession?
A ceramic Christmas tree that lights up. My mother took a class while she was pregnant with me to make it for me.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
For myself, it would be when both my grandparents died.
For others, I would say losing a child or someone to suicide.

What is your favorite occupation?
Finding THAT would be the answer to some of my unhappiness. Probably being a reader/scorer of assessment tests.

What is your most marked characteristic?
I would like everyone to read this and tell ME what it is, because I have no idea.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Nice hands, kindness, a sense of humor, affection, gentle and understanding of a scarred soul.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Friendliness, humor, affection.

What do you most value in your friends?
Honesty and support.

Who are your favorite writers?
JRR Tolkien, Margaret Atwood, Edgar Allan Poe, Katherine Dunn, Phillip Pullman

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Samwise Gamgee. I would also go through Mordor to help a friend. His quiet strength and endurance is something I admire.

What is it that you most dislike?
Being so unhappy with my life and not being able to find that which will fix things.

How would you like to die?
Helping someone else so that my death was meaningful and useful. Like the Coast Guard says "so that others may life"

What is your motto?
Harm none, learn, and make a difference.

pee wee

StarWars Don't Smoke Ad

Tunak Tunak Tun (Best Copy)

A Fat Rant

I have been following this Fat Rant saga on Youtube. It is very interesting and I encourage you to check it out. Just go on Youtube and search for "fat rant." I will be posting some of the videos that I have seen and have been impressed with. It is definitely interesting to see how people are reacting to the video and what they have to say about it. When I have more time I will elaborate with my very own fat rant as well. Although it won't be on video... Send me your rants if you'd like and I will post 'em here!

290 22/24

she is my hero. worship her!

How do you type with a Dog in your face??

Hello all!! Well, I am updating my blog to tell you that I won't be updating my blog... Hee hee!

Actually, On Tuesday I am starting my 'other' job again. You know, the test grading thing. Any who, I will be working pretty much all day and everyday. It kind of sucks, but the paycheck always makes it worth it.

Last time I worked 6 days at my 'real' job instead of 5 to make up the time I was losing by only working 4-11. I am not going to do that this time around, I nearly died! Fuck it and fuck that place.

I have been dog/house sitting for relatives this weekend which has been wonderful. I took off work since they live 30 minutes out of Columbus, so I have just been vegging out and relaxing before the hellish work month begins.

Of course, I stopped by my apartment today since I had to be in town to go to a doctor's appointment and my cable was out. I worried that maybe I didn't pay my bill, but I did. After various tries to get someone on the phone I finally got a woman who told me that they would have to come inside my apartment to check things. How the hell is that going to happen when I am working 8:15am-11pm everyday? I told her that I would call back later when I can work something out. Blah!! So now I am without TV or Internet. I can live without television if I have Internet because most of the shows I watch are available online. But without BOTH??? Shit this sucks!!

Many people have asked me what happened with the music manager job and why I didn't get it. Well, I am almost sick of talking about it to me honest. I was very upset about the whole thing. I felt betrayed, I was lied to, and I was fucked over. It isn't that I had my heart set on being the MM (music manager), it would have been a horribly mind numbing, boring ass job. What I really want is to be a Department Manager. However, I doubt that will ever happen.

So lets see, what happened. Well, more or less my cunt fucking asshole of a manager told me she was interviewing many candidates and I was one of them. She interviewed me on a Wednesday. The next Monday she went on vacation for a week. That next Monday, the new MM started. What the fuck?? At what point does she wants me to believe that she never hired this socially awkward, quiet, and shy woman before my interview? This woman fucking transferred from MICHIGAN!! I am supposed to believe that during her ONE WEEK vacation, "cunt fucking asshole" called "socially awkward" and offered her a job. Then "S.A" moved to Ohio, got settled and started the next Monday. How fucking stupid does "cunt fucking asshole" think I am?

Clearly, this bitch was hired before I was even interviewed. So not only was I lied to, I was humiliated my even being interviewed. The reason I didn't get the job? I am not a leader. What the fuck? The MM now has yet to even introduce herself to me. How is that a leader? Oh, and how am I supposed to lead when I have no one to lead? And what is "leading" exactly? Is is training someone? - I do that. Is is knowing your stuff? - I do that. Is it working as a team? - I do that (and better than our current management team0. It is like don't fucking tell someone that they don't deserve a job because they do not manage a staff if they have no staff to manage!

I know that there are some people who think that I should not look at this whole fiasco so poorly. Some people have said, "I am sure she was just trying to give you a chance." What kind of chance would I have against someone who was an assistant manager? Yeah, that's right. The new MM had to transfer from another store where she was an AM.

I just wish "cunt fucking asshole" would have just not even interviewed me. I stood no chance and she clearly had no intention of hiring me. She has pulled this shit once already. How does that saying go? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me three times ... I fucking quit and am slashing your tires.

Too good for management

Well today was just awful. Filled with tears, nausea and fury. I am so upset in fact that I can not even process it enough to put into words. I will write the whole fucking story later, I promise.