Saturday, June 23, 2007

Pride 2007

Click on the PFLAG logo above to join. Happy Pride Day everyone!!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Friday, June 15, 2007

She only goes about 2 mph, but she's no lemon!

Hello all! I thought I would devote a little posty-post on my walking /weight loss/ healthy living journey. Thanks to Donna I am keeping up with things so far. She is definitely my motivation and is giving me some great advice!

So, I went to Tar-Jay today and did something I never thought I would do. I bought a bathroom scale! Yep, that is right. I will be weighing myself regularly. I never thought I would ever care enough about vanity to check my weight on a regular basis.

However, I have been reading up on this walking thing and getting some important information on creating walking programs. Apparently it is a good thing to set goals for yourself. I think keeping track of my weight will help me motiviate myself to keep getting out there.
(Of course, when I weighed myself on the new scale and it said I was 5 pounds heavier than the doctor's office told me! I still think I am losing, so I am trying to not let the "number game" get to me.)

I have to admit it, I don't really mind the walking thing. Of course I hate to exercise, and hate to sweat. Some days I really have to fight myself through it and fight against everything in my body telling me to stop and quit. I typically have to drag myself out of the house to go walking (unless I am going with a buddy, then I am fine. Go figure? I think I get bored all alone).

However, once I finish I feel really good about myself. The sweat is pouring and the heart is pounding, but it feels good (maybe it just feels good to be DONE!) I miss it if I don't do it, just like I miss and feel "off" if I don't drink massive amounts of water everyday -- I am pretty much only drinking water now.
(By the way, caffeine is almost completely gone out of my life for good. I don't use it unless it is a dire emergency, and then in major moderation. I maybe consume 1-2 cups of coffee or soda a week. My heart thanks me for that! It has made a huge improvement in the palpitations.)

I am proud that I am sticking to things ... even though it has only been two weeks!

I feel really good since I started becoming more active. I have more energy and sleep way better. I even feel a little more in tune with my body. How do I explain what I mean by that? Well, I think most fat people (yes, I am not afraid of the F-word) don't really see themselves as fat. They have no connection to their bodies -- no realization just how big they are. Then, once you see a picture of yourself, or you can't fit into a theater seat, you are thrust back into reality and it is painful!

Since I started walking and have been noticing little minor (positive) changes in my body, I have become more conscious of it. Maybe even a little more loving towards it. I am not a skinny girl looking out of a fat body. I am aware of my size, and am living in my body. I don't know how else to explain it, but I think most of you understand.

I still have bad body image days, but these little improvements that only I can see are lifting my spirits and helping me to keep up with the program. If I can see these changes with very little work, imagine what I can could happen if I push myself! Right now I am starting out slow and doing the bare minimum -- 3 days a week, 30 minutes a day. Sometimes more, sometimes less. A lot of the programs I have been reading up on suggested 15 minutes everyday. However, since I am focused on cardio health, I really believe keeping my heart pumping for a good 30 minutes is much better. I still try to fit in something everyday -- a little walk around our huge (about 1/2 mile around) building at work during breaks, park further away from store entrances, taking the stairs, power shopping, etc.

I can do a mile in about 25-30 minutes. I can do two miles in an hour. For many people, that is not very much but to me it is amazing! I am trying to not let the exercise demons get into my head ("a mile is nothing!", "a woman your age should be able to do more", "You are only exercising 3 times a week?!") . I think we are our worst enemy in all of this!

GOALS! So, now I have to set some goals. Everything I have read has said that telling yourself "I just want to get healthy" is not good enough. You need measurable goals. Plus you need rewards. Well fuck if I can think of anything!! I can think of BIG rewards for BIG goals ( ie: lose 100 pounds = a trip to Alaska, lose 20 = new tattoo, etc) But I think I need little goals and little rewards. I know I won't be able to see the 'big picture' and keep fighting toward such huge and far away goals -- I will just get discouraged/bored and quit.

I know that I would like to work up to exercising every single day for about 30 minutes. I would also like to work up to doing it at longer intervals (hour maybe two) and more miles. But, what is a realistic time frame to achieve this? How do I reward myself for meeting these goals? I don't think a hot fudge sundae will work.

**Help me out bitches, send me some of your suggestions!**
If I like 'em, I will post them and keep everyone updated as to how close I am to the goal. Now is your chance to punish me, my little mistresses!!

Friday, June 08, 2007

No, it's not John from work!

I was standing behind him today while he worked at his computer.
Looking down at him, standing so close, it took all of my willpower to not reach over and lightly brush my fingertips through his soft blond curls.
How soft those upturned wisps would feel in my caress!
Just the lightest touch.
It felt so natural.
To just lose all of my inhibitions, bend down, and gingerly kiss him right behind his ear.
My lips only slightly touching that sensuous lobe with the most loving touch.
It felt so real, so ... acceptable. Like I had done it a million times before.
The touch, the kiss, his body. Taking is warm hand into mine.
A brief flash of knowing, of an almost familiarity to his flesh.
That sense of freedom and possession -- that HIS was a body I could feel. Touch. I was allowed to, had access to.
I am bitterly reminded of that oh so frequently unappreciated sense of entitlement of touch that lovers so often take for granted -- This. is. mine.
My entire body wanted it. Wanted to lose control and act foolishly.
I clenched my hands into fists and jammed them into my pockets, locking them away from their foolishness. Reminding myself that this is not for me. It is for another to enjoy.

But Oh! Those curls.