Monday, January 30, 2006

The award goes to:

I am in a foul mood today. I think it is the combo of Flo, no sleep and work that has gotten my knickers in a knot. Anyway, in honor of my bad mood this week's You Whack/Shout Out awards are slightly altered. I don't feel like giving a shout out to anyone, so two You Whacks it tis. Enjoy bitches.


Cockroaches and chain e-mails. I got this one that said if you make a wish, and send the letter to five other people it will come true. I thought, "what the hell do I have to lose?"

Apparently you are to take your age, and wait that many minutes for your wish to come true. For example, I was to wait 27 minutes for my wish to meet my true love.

The following took place between 8:14 pm and 8:41 Pm:
- I send out the chain e-mail wishing for the love of my life. Nuthin.
The following took place between 8:41 pm and 8:59pm:
- Nuthin still. Visited a few of my favorite sites, checked my other e-mails...nuthin.
The following took place between 8:59 pm and 9:00:
- Something on the wall catches my eye and I took to see what it could be.
The following took place between 9:00 pm and 9:01 pm:
- To my horror it is a huge cockroach hanging out on my wall. I don't have bugs, but I do share a heat register with everyone on my floor. Apparently this is how he got in.
The following took place between 9:01pm and 9:06 pm:
- Screaming. Lots of screaming and 'I have the willies' dancing. panic soon ensues.
The following took place between 9:06pm and 9:08 pm:
- I run to my kitchen and frantically search for Raid. God bless raid.
The following took place between 9:08pm and 9:10pm:
- Spraying and screaming. I think I used the whole bottle.
The following took place between 9:10pm and 9:15pm:
- Yes, it took me that long to make sure the bug was dead, wrap my hands with way too much paper towels and pick up the ugly thing. I couldn't even leave the carcass in my trash can, I had to run outside in my bare feet and throw the roach as far as I could and then run away as fast as I could.

Apparently the love of my life is a cockroach. figures.

this was a post in honor of all you fans of the show 24 .


Customers. I mean, they always suck but today was more than usual. Okay, because of my Carpal Tunnel I need to get wrist splints to wear at night. Well, I work all day so I haven't had time to get fitted for them. To keep my hands from hurting and to support my wrists, I have been wearing ace bandages. I am not talking huge things that wrap around and around your whole arm. I am just talking little velcro things made specifically for your wrists.

Now, the past few days I have been wearing long sleeves so no one could really see them. Today I decide to wear short sleeves -- what a damn mistake.

I can't count how many people -- total strangers -- asked me what was wrong with my wrists. What business is it of theirs? Do you go up to a complete stranger on the street who has an arm cast and ask them what the hell they did to break their arm? Hell No! Just because I work retail does not mean you have the right to be rude and pry into my personal life. I know you don't care, you are just being nosy. If people were asking me in a (however fake) concerned way I would have no problem, but to just ask me what happened like you are asking what time it is, is just plain rude to me. I couldn't take it anymore and had to take the damn things off.

So I decided to come up with some answers to these nosy bastards that I thought you might enjoy.

scenario #1:

What these? Oh, they were a gift. You see, my name is Ace. They thought it would be cute to give me bracelets with my name on them.

scenario #2:

Shh! Don't tell anyone, but really I am a superhero. These aren't just any old bands, they hold super powers too great for you to even imagine. Why, with just a tap I could detonate a bomb that would blow this whole place to smithereens! If I press this button here that says "ACE" I can contact my special superhero hovercraft and fly out of here in a blink of an eye. All I have to do is whisper into this secret microphone that looks amazingly like velcro and contact my boss (for anonymity sake, we'll call him Bosley). If I get on this telecommunication device and I tell him that "the crow doesn't know but the brown cow knows how"...Well, you don't want to know what happens then!

scenario #3:

Yeah. I got a little upset, and I slit my wrists during my lunch break. The boss wouldn't let me go to the emergency room because I have to cover the cafe while the guy back there takes his lunch. Maybe I could leave a little early today.

Why do you keep spinning around like that? It's very nauseating ... Do you always travel with a monkey in a pink tutu on your shoulder? ... Oh, did you see that? ... Someone is turning off the lights ... Grandma?....................

Sunday, January 29, 2006

'Sup check

This is a 'Sup check. How you doing? 'Sup dawg? You doing okay? This is always about me, let's talk about you for a while. How you doin'?

lovin' on ya

I am being lazy and not posting anything useful. So I just wanted to show my love to all of you that are supporting my blog.

Show your love to my links. Go link yourself, just dont link all over the keyboard. Also, show your love to the Google ads up top as I get paid everytime you do. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

C to the T ya'll

Why am I not surprised? I went to the doctor today and lo and behold she thinks I have Carpal Tunnel syndrome. I guess that is the good news since it could have been sumptin' more serious.

The bad news is that it is pretty advanced since I am beyond the pain and now just numb. I have to get fitted with special CT splints for my hands which I will wear at night, and I am to ice my wrists during the daytime.

If after a month or two the numbness does not get better, I will have to have an EMG where they send electrical pulses through your hands to see how much damage. Then I will have to get surgery. Yea.

After waiting an hour to see her, my day just got crappier and crappier. I came back home and took a nap, overslept and missed delivering my papers. Now I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn and deliver them before I go to work! It will be a long day, but at least I will get my Joaquin phoenix on tomorrow night as I am finally going to see Walk the Line. Can't wait!!

So, after being pissed that I overslept I watched LOST which was disappointing. WTF was up with all the commericals? I taped the show and the timer said it was only like 35 minutes long. geez! I loved Dom Mon (Charlie) without his shirt and in diapers (nappies) but otherwise it was kind of a bummer. It felt like it had been cut down and the important things got cut out. That last cuppa episodes have not been very good. I am kind of sad about it but I am losing interest in it. Although it looks like Sun gets kidnapped which might spark some excitement into the show.

As far as Project Runway goes, would they please get rid of Santino?! Please! Oh, that that beeatch! Zuelema got what she had a comin' for messing with my Nick! Oh snap!

Sorry this is such a crap post, but my hands are buggin' and I need to sleep so that I can get up at 5 am for the papers. Lates!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

It's a gay gay day.

"We are not the first, but I am sure we will not be the last. After us will come many other countries, driven, ladies and gentlemen, by two unstoppable forces: Freedom and Equality."
--Jose Luis Rodriguez Prime Minister of Spain, in a speech given after Spain legalized gay marriage.

"When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men, and a discharge for loving one."
--Epitah of Leonard P Matlovich, 1988

"Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law."
--Boethius, The consolation of Philosophy, AD 524

"Everybody's journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them then it does about homosexuality."
--James Baldwin

"The Lord is my shepard and he knows I am gay."
--Rev Troy Perry

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
--Dr Seuss

***(my favorite)***
"Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an anti-gay bill in congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch and asshole."
-- Judy Carter

For more quotes, visit

GILF's, or Gays I'd Like to F*ck

  1. I am a hag. I always have been and always will be. Since middle school you boys have found me, and I have found you. I support you all %100. I love you.

    Since I have been obsessing over the new Project Runway, I had the idea to post a list of some of the homofabulous boys I would strap one on for.

    Ignore the number one in the corner. It was the only way I could run the boyfriend list this way, and not all jumbled. I was about to lose my patience and throw my computer against the wall, then I looked at the pictures and was calm again.

    In no particular order:

    Nick Verros from Project Runway

    He is my number one. I am a sucker for the faux-hawk. He is CacacaCute! I really hope he wins!!!

    Don't let that brooding frown fool you, he is smiley and sweet. He can be my teacher any day, any way.

    Ian McKellen, actor

    Just cuz he is Gandalf. Just cuz he has a sexy British accent. Just cuz he dressed up as Dame Judi Dench on SNL. I admire his coming out right around his fame from Lord of the Rings. Here is to many more years as a proud gay man.

    Daniel Franco from Project Runway

    He lost last year and had the balls to compete again this year. I loved his designs, and thought he did not deserve to be cast off so soon.

    Talented, with a soft and cute voice. Irresistible.

    Alan Cumming, actor

    He is so adorable, I can't stand it!! I love love love the dimples, and the Scottish accent makes me weak in the knees.

    Has a perfume line called Cumming. How funny. Adorable, foreign and smells really nice.

    Ted Allen from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

    I love the glasses, I love a man who can dress fierce, and I love a man who can cook.

    If all I need is some extra equipment, I can deal with that.

    Dan Savage, author

    Also very funny, and smart. Is in a committed relationship and his partner and himself have adopted a child.

    Why the hell did The Other Paper drop his column?

    Daniel Vosovic from Project Runway

    See, I told you I was Obsessed with the show!

    This pic doesn't do him justice, the shaggy hair is to die for! He is so talented and may win the competition. Quiet and cute, with good fashion sense.

    Rock Hudson, Actor

    Old school hotness. I mean seriously, look at that picture! He is perfection!

    Not out until either right before or after his death. It must have been so difficult in his day to be a gay man in Hollywood. I could not imagine having to live my life in the closet. Rest in peace.

    Graham Norton, television personality

    Again with the British accent. His show was hilarious, and love me some funny men.

    Not the best pic, but he is such a cutie pie. I want to go shoe shopping with him and Isaac Mizrahi!

    Kyan Douglas, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

    Damn. Why did we women have to lose this one? You men are so greedy sometimes.

    He is delicious. Those lips, that hair. He can dress himself and according to his book, dress me too. And get my hair did, and my makeup did.

    Wow. It is a toss up between him and Nick as to who rocks my boat more.

The award goes to:

Here I am again. A day late and a dollar short. Sorry about the lack of posting, but it will be postapalooza tonight to make up for my slacking.

Now, let's get to the awards.


I have to say, I love my television. So I want to shout out to Scrubs, for celebrating their 100th episode. I also have to say that I have a guilty pleasure for Cops. All those white trash crazy people, It is like my everyday life...


Have you seen the trailer for the new movie called Date Movie? Check it out here. Initially I was going to see it because the MadTV/That 70's Show hottie Josh Meyers is in it. But WTF? Since when is the fat suit funny? I know, I know. It is one of those Naked Gun-type and is supposed to be mocking famous folk and movies, but give me a fucking break.

To me, the fat suit is the new black face. I am not saying it is as bad, since a person can not change their ethnicity (in theory some fat people can become thin) and thousands of fat people were not enslaved, murdered and tortured just for being fat. Please do not think I am making light of or ignoring racism or the ugly history of minstrel shows.

However, people think the fat suit it is so hilarious, and completely harmless. But what the actors/writers/directors/etc are doing is promoting this bullshit that overweight people are: ugly, stupid, vulgar, unattractive to others, unloveable, not important, worthless, laughable, lazy, and non-existent. Are any of these faces supposed to be seen as pretty? It has become way too common in television and movies. Courtney Cox-Arquette wore one as "fat Monica" on Friends, Ryan Reynolds In Just Friends, Gwyneth Paltrow in Shallow Hal, Martin Lawrence in all the Big Momma's House films, Julia Roberts in America's Sweethearts, Eddie Murphy in the Nutty Professor films, Keenan Thompson (not a small guy in real life, mind you) in Fat Albert, Mike Meyers (as Fat Bastard) in the Austin Powers films, to name a mere few. You can look up any of these actors and/or films at IMDB, just click here.

I am not a politically correct maniac or anything, but things like this really make me mad. I don't want to go to a film and walk out feeling horrible about myself because someone showed me that I should. Women (and men) get attacked day in and day out with advertisements, magazine articles, television, movies, music, etc about how they are not pretty enough or thin enough or sexual enough, or too thin too slutty and too pretty. Not good enough.

When will we realize that we are enough? Just the way we are right now. We are beautiful as we are. Why do movie goers stand for this kind of stuff? Why do film makers feel they must make fun of fat people, when lo and behold over half of Americans are FAT. It is cheap, it is easy, it is not funny.

**For $500 bucks you can get your very own fat suit. Mine was free.
** for all on the fat acceptance movement and more information than you can handle.

Please don't go see this movie, and please check out some of the links I left you in this post.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Thursday, January 19, 2006

No, the honeymoon videos will NOT be available!

Okay, so my aunt Flo is visiting right now and I haven't felt like posting for the past few days. All I have been doing is eating pizza, and Hershey's kisses -- God I can't stop eating those things! I'm like Whitney Houston around a bowl of powdered sugar.

Ron wanted to know where Adrien and I are hiding our honeymoon tape. No sex tape for you! You already saw me in the one I make with Colin, what more do you need?

Random thought here, but did anyone watch LOST last night? I thought it was kind of boring. I Sooooo hoped Jack would have let the "others" shoot Kate. That bitch is dating my Hobbit boyfriend in real life, gets to make out with Josh Holloway AND Matthew Fox! Shoot her, shoot her now!! By the way, Mr. Eko can use his "Jesus stick" on me anytime.

Since my funny has been repressed by a chocolate coma, I will throw my tattoo ideas at you. Many of you know I want a fat fairy tattoo on my arm (no, not a portrait of you Ron) and I have not ruled that out, I just haven't found what I want yet. Feel free to send me any ideas you find during your internet froliking.

In the meantime, I do know that I want to get the following tattooed. It is the design on the inside of the doorway to Bag End in The Lord of the Rings movies. Yes, it is a bit dorky but I have very personal reasons for getting a LOTR 'tat and no one would know it was from that unless I told them. Reading the books got me to start writing again which I abandoned since college. I used to write poetry and short stories all of the time, and was even published in The Ohio State University's poetry publication called "The Mosaic." But depression and the real world got in the way of my creativity. I also have other, more goofy reasons that I think most people would find too new age-y. Maybe I will feel up to posting the whole shebang later.

I have been keeping to my exercise resolution, and I never buy anything big for myself, so I think I will start saving money for the tattoo. Back to the 'tat, I was thinking of getting it on the inside of my wrist, or my forearm. Where do you all think I should get it?

I can't find really good shots of the design and will have to work with the tattoo artist to get it circular, but here are the best ones I found online:

Monday, January 16, 2006

Speaking of Adrien Brody, here are a few pages from our personal scrapbook. Enjoy!

The award goes to:

I had such a shit hole day at work today that not even you fabulous people can put me in a good mood. So, you aren't gettin' much from me tonight. Here are the week's Shout Out and You Whack award winners. Enjoy.


My fingers and hands.

For some reason my fingertips are going numb and my hands are aching. I presume it is carpal tunnel or some shizz, but it really sucks dropping things constantly and not being able to hold a coffee cup.

Luckily, like Ethel over there my middle finger still works and that is the most important finger of them all. It really says it all -- maybe that is why they are going numb, I am giving too many people the finger. Nah, they all deserve it.


This one was a hard one since I am in no mood to give props to anyone as crabby as I am. So, a shout out goes to MR. ADRIEN BRODY just for being one good looking motherF-er.

DA Ah AM!!!!!!!! Did you check that shizz at the Golden Globes tonight? I would totally hit it for real. Yum Yum Yum.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Drunken monkey

These things only happen to Lothian

f ile #900340552

Okay. So I am sitting here tonight at about 8pm. I am digesting my Taco Bell and sipping on a much deserved Mike's Hard Lemonade. Suddenly a car alarm goes off. I have a car alarm. I remind myself that someone set my alarm off two days ago by rudely bumping my car with their SUV car door. I hate mofo SUV's -- but that is another day, another post. Anyway, I heave myself up off the couch to look out the window to see if the obnoxious sounds I hear are coming from my car. Her name is Scarlet, by the way. ..."Scarlet the Harlot"... No seriously, I named my car. No laughing at me bitches!

So, I sneak a peak out the window and it is in fact my car beeping and screeching and altogether yelling for help. My poor baby. I am pissed now, throw on some shoes, and go marching and grumbling out the door. "So help me God, if some dumb ass dented my car I am going to kick ... um, SOMETHING! I don't know what yet."

What do I see when I go outside? Let me set the scene, shall I? It is dark, it is raining, it is quiet, and some guy looks like he is humping my car. MY POOR SCARLET!!! I don't really know what to do, so I go over to my car, and "bleep-bleep" reset my alarm. I just stand there staring at this guy. His sweat shirt is on the hood of my car, and it looks like he is pissing next to it. She doesn't deserve this kind of treatment!

It doesn't take a Bachelor's degree from Drunk U, er ... I mean OSU to realize he is drunk as a skunk on the junk. I stand there a minute watching him sway this way ... and then that way... and then full on lay across the hood of my car. I don't really know if I was waiting for him to see me, and be like "Oh good heavens, pardon me madam. Is this your car I am drunkenly leaning all over? Let me move on to this lovely SUV here."

Is it wrong that the first thing I think of is how awesome of a story this will make for my blog? Anyway, I am standing there contemplating what kind of odd and vicious Karma I have left over from my last lifetime to deserve this. Poor Scarlet is looking at me all sad and pleading with me to "please, please get the drunken monkey off of me NOW!" So, I go inside and call the po-po.

Some folks have issues with the fuzz, the man, the police. I don't. I have got nothing but love for them. Mostly because I don't break the damn law. Well, once I got caught going 55 mph in a 35 mph, but that is the Highway Popo -- bloody CHIPS! Nevermind. I mean, I live in a place where I have 645-4545 on speed dial, okay. I fucking call up and the dispatcher and she is like, "Yo, Lothian!! How you doing girl? What is it now? A drug addict, drunk, domestic thing, or something new this time?" I mean, I think they know me now.

Props to the cops for showing up about 10 minutes later and being really cool with me. The guy was really belligerent to them and could barely walk, but they stopped him from molesting Scarlet and luckily he didn't break my antenna or mirror or something. They found out where he lives -- in the complex next to me, YEAH!!! -- and walked him home safely.

I went back inside for another 'Mike's Hard' and sat down to share my story with you lovely people. Just another day in the life of Lothian.

In our hearts, in our minds, but in another's arms

I would like everyone to keep my good friend and dear co-worker Donna in your hearts right now. She recently had to say goodbye to one of her precious cats. Animals are a part of our lives for such a short time and yet they give so much to us. They love us unconditionally and are always there for us. When death takes one of them suddenly, it is like the loss of a family member. The pain is sometimes the same. I know we are all animal lovers out there, so maybe we could all cuttle up just a little bit closer with our furry friends tonight in honor of Donna and her beloved.

Thursday, January 12, 2006


Holy cow bitches! There is so much to talk about!

Let me complain first. Okay, so for the past few months I have been getting these phone calls from some random phone number on my cell phone. I never answered, so they kept calling -- sometimes 4-5 times a day. I figured that since I am late or overdue on most of my bills, it was just some billing company wanting their money. Well, I got fed up yesterday and googled the phone number. I turned out belonging to some guy named Norman Schaffer. So today the number called again. I decided to call back. The woman on the line said that they are a company called Contact America. I was like, what the fuck do you want? Her answer?..."well, we are a telemarketing company. (silence)" ... Are you kidding me? Like that is some kind of excuse! I informed her that I did not want any more calls from the company and that I am already on the do not call registry. Hopefully they will leave me alone now.

If you are bored and feel like harassing someone, give them a call and telemarket them. The number is 701-250-0178. Here are some fun ideas on what to do next time you get a telemarketing call.

On to more fun things. Did ya'll watch LOST last night? When Mr. Eko came face to face with "Ze Monster" I peed a little. I kid you not, I don't think I breathed that whole time. It was so 'effing awesome. Just when you think they can't come up with something amazing, JJ Abrahms takes off his wizard hat, and pulls a smoke monster out of his ass. Is it me or did Ze Monster (as I like to call it) make almost horse-like noises. Made me think of the stallion in the last episode.

Did anyone notice how nonchalant they have become on this island? Charlie and Eko just shrugged their shoulders, and kept hiking. When Mr. Eko told Charlie that the body in the random Nigerian plane full of heroin was his brother, Charlie was just like "oh, okay". I had to chuckle out loud at how nothing seems to surprise these people anymore.

Next topic of discussion has to be James Frey. I would not be a good & bitter bookstore employee if I didn't say something. If you haven't heard of the controversy you can read about it Here. Basically Oprah's guest/bookgroup author is a lying liar pants on fire. On one hand, I believe Oprah is the anti-Christ and I love seeing her crash and burn. If she has to take someone with her, then so be it. On the other hand, memoirs are a tricky thing. It is all how you personally remember events, not necessarily how they actually happened. That is the difference between a memoir and a history book, bitches. I am sure the guy elaborated a little bit, or as they call it -- creative embellishing.

I know a few folks who read it and loved it, so I guess it served the purpose. As long as it is entertaining and maybe even inspired a few people, who gives a happy horse shit. I heard Random House is giving refunds to those who bought directly from them, and I am sure we will be getting many, many returns of the title. I think it is funny. All of Oprah's mindless drones will be in returning the book because first Oprah/their master told them to read it, and now the electronic humming box/best friend in the living room is telling them to return it.

Last but not least, props to Brad Pitt for knocking up Angelina Jolie. I have been a fan of hers ever since I saw her in the film Gia. I have read many articles about her and it seems as though she would not have gotten pregnant and allowed Pitt to adopt her kids unless she really loved him. More power to them both. Anyone who supports adoption and encourages it is alright in my book. Plus, with all of the charity work she does and he is now doing, they deserve this happiness. If they can show their children love and support, that is all that matters. They could adopt and spawn as many Jolie-Pitt's as they damn well please. Go Team JOLIE!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


tomorrow is the big day! Finally a new epi of LOST and it is a two part-er. I can't wait. I am sure I will have plenty to gossip about Wednesday night. I couldn't find any good spoiler pictures for this upcoming epi titled "The 23rd Psalm", but I did find some good ones for an upcoming Charlie episode.

Look away if you don't want to see 'em.

Okay, here we go. Apparently the survivors are planning a baptism for Aaron, Claire's child, with Mr. Eko doing the 'deed'. It seems like Charlie is having freaky hallucinations because a few islanders are dressed up as biblical figures. I love this picture because wouldn't it be nice if Jesus looked like Hurley? "Dude, nailing me to that cross was totally not cool."

Here is a dramatic shot of Charlie choosing if he wants to ride the white horse again, or give up the smack for Claire and Aaron. I think he should totally go for it. I think it would make a fun story line to have a junkie on the island.


One of the real reasons I watch the show religiously. Dominic Monaghan. My Hobbit boyfriend. Hmm, did you know that I did that paint job? Yeah, right after I finished another job...


by the way, if anyone wants gift ideas for my upcoming birthday in February -- apparently Colin Farell's sex tape is available online for only $14.99 . I would really really love it. (wink wink, nudge nudge) Come on!! Cough up the dough bitches!

Monday, January 09, 2006

thanks for playing

I want to try something new here. Every week or so I want to give "shout outs" and "you whack" to different things I like and dislike.

This week's SHOUT OUT winner is:
Donna!! She was the only one who sent me her New Year's resolutions. Hopefully we will keep each other in check.

This week's YOU WHACK award goes to:

Those stupid walkie talkie cell phones. I hate those damn things. Not only are they loud, you are forced to hear the dumbass conversations people have.

BLEER EEP: Hey Bob, how's it going?
BLEER EEP: Not so good Duane. I just went to the doctor.
BLEER EEP: Oh God...
BLEER EEP: Yeah, he said it isn't contagious.
BLEER EEP: Really?
BLEER EEP: Yeah. Should clear up in a week or so.

Friday, January 06, 2006

I so solemnly swear

So here I go with the New Year's resolutions. I will start with the hard ones, and then I will feel better when I only achieve the easy ones.

Hard ones:
-Getting my finances in order. Nothing feels worse than getting insufficient funds notices in the mail. If anyone knows of a place where I can get some good financial counseling and debt consolidation, let me know*
-Getting into better shape. I am not talking about loosing 100 pounds or anything, I just want to be able to be healthier.*
-Getting laid. For the first time. No comments bitches.
-Finding a new career. I love you guys that I work with (well, most) but retail is just not what I want to do with my life. I think it is teaching or nursing which requires more schooling, which is how I am able to keep putting it off, see hard resolution number one.

Easy Ones:
-Cleaning and organizing my apartment. I swear to God, I am 12 cats short of a shut-in. I need to call the "clean sweep" folks, but they would probably need to do a mini series, not one episode on my place.
-re-decorating my bathroom. I bought all the a year comments bitches. I think I need to add procrastination to my hard list. One year, I was so lazy about taking my fake Christmas tree down and kept putting it off that eventually I was Christmas again! God I am pathetic.
-keeping up with this blog.
-keeping in better touch with my posse, you know who you are.
-Going to the doctor when I need to. I mean I have one of those physicians where I could go in with a stubbed toe and she would give me a prescription for Vicodin. Why wouldn't I see her more often?
-Find a new apartment. One that is crack head free and welcoming to little fuzzy things
-Keep adding to this list.

* What the hell was the asterisk for you ask? Well, I want to put something out into the universe. I think I am ready now. The first two resolutions are on the top of my list for a reason. I want to adopt a child. I am not talking next week or anything, but within the next few years. My biological clock is not even ticking anymore, it is a full on siren. Since I won't be having a child the old fashioned way (see resolution #3 ), I need to begin the process soon. Anyway, I just wanted to have this wish "out there" so that maybe I can make some things happen.

PS- Funnier posts to come soon, I am just feeling a little serious today.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Oy Vey! Youse got a potty mouf!

I think this woman is my personal logo! Look at her, she is so bitter! Anyway, let me explain. I haven't been posting since I have returned from vacation because I have been suffering a bout of Diverticulitis.

What the hell is that, you ask? Well, you see, over the year's our colon gets tired of all the work it does day in and day out. (or if you are like me, once every few days.) The colon herniates in certain areas from pressure, strain or/and age. These hernia's (called Diverticuli) are like little pockets. Imagine a snake eating a couple of apples -- that's how it looks.

So, these pockets can get food/waste product from food trapped in them. People who have these diverticuli are encouraged to not eat things like nuts, corn, popcorn, etc -- all those lovely things our body doesn't digest and comes out in our poop. When these things don't come out in the john, they get stuck in the pockets causing large amounts of pain and inflammation of the colon. Most of the time there is nothing for me to do but suffer through the pain and wait for the pockets to clean themselves out.

If the inflammation (aka: bouts of diverticulitis) is too frequent and debilitating, then surgery is necessary to remove these pockets before they rupture. Thankfully that is not in my near future as long as I take care of myself to prevent further diverticuli from forming or worsening. Yeah, sure...I'm gonna cut out caffeine, chocolate, and dairy. I don't flipping think so!

This is something that is pretty common in older adults, say 60+ years, because they have been pooping for so many years that the hernia's are just naturally there. Their colons are just worn out, so to speak. Which of course explains why I have it, being 27 years old and all...{enter sarcasm here} To prevent these flare-ups I drink so much water that I slosh when I walk. I eat enough fiber to keep the sewage companies happy. (okay, that was a little gross) I mean geez, I am a vegetarian plus I have to increase my fiber intake? I feel like I am like a goddamn Koala Bear, eating leaves all day!

Despite my prevention I am having a flare up, which to make a long post even longer, is why I haven't jumped back into full gear with my posts. I am beginning to feel better, so expect a new year's resolution list to be up soon. Feel free to leave comments on what your resolutions are and I will post them with mine. This way, if I know you folks are watching me I might stick them.

So, I hope you learned something new today. Now you can't say I never taught you bitches anything. Here's to good eats, and good sheetz!!