Thursday, August 21, 2008


I finally had that 1 on 1 with my supervisor today. It stemmed from me finally writing her a note basically asking her how close I was to getting fired. I was tired of worrying that I was going to show up one day and they were going to have all my shit packed up and an escort for me to my car.

Turns out I have nothing to worry about. Although my attendance has been admittedly bad, it is nothing that they are sweating. I need to work on it of course, but I don't have any official warnings or write-up's to be concerned about. What a relief to know that I am not going to lose my job any time soon. I was upfront with my supervisor and explained my health problems and feelings toward the job and she was very supportive. If I stay with the company, I want to move up and begin doing other (more interesting) things. She thinks that I am a good candidate, so now only time will tell if an opportunity knocks for me. I am changing my shift to a little earlier - 2pm until 10:30 pm, so hopefully that will help with the depression.

I am always grateful for the fact that I even have a job and I hope I never came across as thinking otherwise. I just didn't see myself doing this type of work in my 30's. I let myself down.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

She's crafty!

I crochet. Not well, but I try. My grandmother was a master crochet-er, making delicate lace doilies and complex afghans. I never developed any interest in the craft until my mid-teens. By this time, she had fallen into the depths of dementia and had lost ... everything. When she died, I had a nervous breakdown. Literally. I had to see a physiologist and everything. One night, during my despair, I decided I wanted (needed) to crochet. My mother dug out an old hook and some worn yarn and showed me the basic stitch that she knew (she has never been into knitting or crochet). For months I worked on this blanket. My mother and I would go to the craft store and pick out colors of yarns together. It was a striped blanket, so we would consult on what color would look best next. I would stitch rows and rows and then furiously tear them out because my virgin hands dropped a loop here or there. Some rows would be super tightly coiled, revealing the bad day I may have had. While others are airy and light, showing a more relaxed state of mind. That blanket, as ugly as it is, helped me grieve. It helped my mother and I communicate during a time when we couldn't. I knew that my grandmother was somehow guiding my hands, helping me learn. Teaching me.

I am still not the best at crochet. I don't learn well from a book of diagrams and patterns that read like computer programming -- I have to have someone show me and I have to do it. However, that isn't an option -- no one I know can crochet. Yet whenever I get stuck or my eyes get hot with tears of frustration, I think of my grandmother and I ask her for help. Lo and behold, it eventually comes to me. My awkward fingers find the rhythm and my mind translates the image. So, in a way I guess I DO have some one to help me.

I don't usually have the attention span to finish any projects that I start. I have a massive granny square bag I made that all it needs is a strap and lining -- yet it still sits here. Pathetically unfinished. Alas, I have finished a few small projects and would like to show them off to you.

I made myself a little cell phone holder that turned out so cute that a friend at work begged me to make her one. I used a really tight, sturdy stitch that almost makes it appear to be knitted instead of crocheted. Here is how hers turned out.

I then got bored at work and decided I was going to try to make my mother a clutch using the same idea, but making it larger. Here is how it turned out.

I decided to try some new things on mom's gift. I had never done the Picot edging before and it turned out surprisingly well. I had also never attempted flowers and that was ... a trip. Initially I had a pattern for a little bird and since she loves birds, I wanted to make that. Yeah, um ... flowers are easier (but not that easy). I sewed fancy buttons in the middle of the flowers to really make them pop.

In my earlier, cell phone/change purse I made the mistake of trying to sew Velcro onto the yarn as a closure. Never again. I was intimidated by using snaps as I have never sewn snaps before, but it turned out alright on mom's purse.

All in all, I was pretty impressed with myself. I stuck to it, and it was not perfect, but it was made with love and I had a good time doing it. I will let you know what she thinks of it when I mail it off this week.

Miss me?

I know I haven't been around much lately. It is just that the vampire hours I am working are starting to get to me. Plus, my brain has been very scattered lately and I haven't been able to really focus enough to blog.

Anyway, I answered one of those MySpace surveys the other day. I don't usually fill them out because how many times do I have to tell you what my favorite color is, or what I am listening to at the moment? However, this one was interesting so I did it. A long time friend responded to my survey and was surprised at one of my answers. She "never knew" this particular thing about me (#1 on my list). It got me thinking about what things I would like to accomplish in my life, however small or large. I thought I would share my preliminary list (not in any order of importance) with you all so that maybe you too will learn a thing or two about me.

1) Have a child. Hopefully before my parents pass away so they can feel the joy of grand parenting.

2) Make love to a man and have no fear of him. Make love to man and not be embarrassed by my body. (and no, I don't think #1 and #2 necessarily go hand in hand)

3) Live in a remote cabin in Alaska for at least a month. Never apologize (or be surprised) if I decide to stay there forever.

4) Go on a nice fishing trip with my father. My favorite memories with him are of our time spent fishing together.

5) Visit India during the Holi Festival.
**According to "The colorful festival of Holi is celebrated on Phalgun Purnima which comes in February end or early March. Holi festival has an ancient origin and celebrates the triumph of 'good' over 'bad'. The colorful festival bridges the social gap and renew sweet relationships. On this day, people hug and wish each other 'Happy Holi'."

6) Ride a Harley (or any motorcycle for that matter). Learn how to drive my own Harley.

7) Get all of the tattoo's that I am wanting, without any fear of what people may think of me.

8) Write a book. Maybe or maybe not try and get published.

9) Go to Pastry school. I love to bake, and to be able to do this as a career would be a dream.

10) Own (at least) 2 pug dogs. I shall name them Merry and Pippin.

11) Do something remarkable for my parents as they have been so remarkable to me. I have yet to find out what this will someday be.

12) Move back home and buy my own house near a lake.

13) Learn to scuba dive and travel all over exploring the sea.

14) Visit Tibet and walk among the holiest of people.

15) Take singing lessons and sing loudly and proudly (and not drunkenly) in front of a crowd.

16) Never lose touch with Brad.

17) Find a job that I love and will not hate go to. (I DO think this and #9 go hand in hand)

18) Get liposuction or workout to remove my massive arms and my spare tire belly.

19) Learn how and go rock climbing and hiking.

20) Taking acting lessons and actually go for it, just once.

That is all I can think of right now. I will definitely keep adding more as they come to me. I will also keep you posted if I ever manage to accomplish any of these things. Of course, if you can help me with any, feel free to speak up! (wink*wink)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

For your information,

Greatest. Thing. Ever!

That is all.

Monday, August 04, 2008

I didn't mean to leave you hanging ...

However, I haven't heard anything. NOTHING. When I was supposed to have my stern talking to I waited for her for 45 minutes and she never came to find me. I chatted with a co-worker for 45 minutes, went on break, came back and nothing. Apparently my genius supervisor leaves at 5pm. Which would make sense why she would schedule our little meeting for 5pm. She has had ample opportunity to reschedule and apologize for forgetting, yet she hasn't. I am certainly not stupid enough to go looking for trouble! I swear, it is the same at every job. The dumbest people are the one's running the show. I will keep you posted on when (or if) she ever remembers to chastise me. I have no plans on worrying about it.