One pill makes you smaller, one pill makes you tall...

I should be on my way to work right now. I should be fighting traffic and giggling at the Morning Zoo. I should be fine. However I am not. This is the second day I have had to call off work. Why? To be honest with you, I think I am going through drug withdrawal symptoms.

See, through my job I can get all my generic medications for free. I was taking the generic of Synthroid for a thyroid problem, and generic birth control pills, but my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug Effexor XR did not come in generic. However, the non-extended release version of the drug did. To save $30.00 a month, I chose to switch and take the medication twice a day instead of one extended release pill once a day.

I have been very worried about my mood since I was anticipating some sort of gradual change as I adjusted to the new medication. I was a little more weepy than usual, but I assumed that was due to aunt flo. I would have a few manic episodes, but overall my mood seemed pretty level. No thoughts of suicide, and no increase in panic attacks.

I had begun to get more tired and sluggish over the past few weeks, but didn't think much of it. However, this past Saturday night I began to feel really nauseous and developed a fever, and things have been downhill since then. I thought I had caught a bug of some kind. I went online to began researching side effects of Effexor because I have been noticing a certain change in my body that didn't go away over time (I will save you the details). As I was researching I began reading about withdrawal symptoms. Apparently Effexor is a hard ass drug to come off of and has to be done extremely gradually. Since I am a certified web MD, I diagnosed myself as having withdrawal symptoms even though I am still taking the medication, just differently. Fever, digestion problems, heartburn, tiredness, weakness, inability to sleep ... it makes sense.

The worst part is I will feel shitty for a few hours, then feel fine, then feel crappy again. Those times that I feel fine make me feel guilty about calling off work. I just can't bring myself to go to work to say "Thank you for calling, my name is 'Lothian', with whom am I speaking?" in a happy go lucky voice. During the times when I don't feel crappy, I feel like maybe I am just calling off of work because I am depressed. Actually, my life isn't so bad right now. I actually have some money in my bank account, and I am meeting some cute men online at at BBW dating website. The last thing I want to do is get fired from the job that started making things look up for me.

I think I am feeling alright mood-wise, but if any of you know depression, you know how tricky it can be. In the past I have thought I was sick, but all I needed was to get a shower and get out of the apartment. I think all people with depression have a vice -- eating to deal with the pain, smoking, drinking, etc. My vice is that I become a hermit. I need my personal time away from people which is why I could never have a roommate. However, sometimes this self imposed isolation becomes a real and serious side effect of my depression.

I don't know, I am just worried that I am going to have to go back on my old medication. I don't want to be a slave to medication. I understand that I will need to be on medication my whole life, but I don't want my life to be on medication. I see all these people calling in to reorder their medication and they are on 13 or 14 pills. Some people are on 3 or 4 different painkillers, or on one pill to counteract the effects of another pill.

I think many people are being over medicated in this world. Personally, I know my doctor is a pill pusher. I like her, but no matter what I go to see her for, she has a medicine I can take for it. Then we wonder why seemingly perfectly healthy men like Heath Ledger drop dead. No disrespect to him or his family, but didn't he have 2-3 different sleeping pills prescribed to him? I am not saying he was an addict, but what I am saying is maybe our medical community needs to be a little more careful and conscious of what they give us. We put all our faith in doctors to make us better, and I think a lack of time and caring has led them to simply not care as much as they should. (Don't get my started on how many times I hear, "my doctor doesn't fax prescriptions", "He said won't write me a short term supply of medication", "He says he doesn't get paid to call you and discuss drug interactions", "She charges me for every prescription she writes for me", "They don't answer the phones at the clinic or return faxes.")

I know some of you prefer when I write funny or lighthearted things. I am sorry folks, I am just not feeling lighthearted right now. I could go on and on about the price of medication and how sometimes people simply can't afford to take what they need to to live. I could go on and on about Medicare and how it is a crock of shit. I could go on and on about how seeing Jeff Conaway on Celebrity Rehab scares the shit out of me. However, I don't want to bore you. Plus my stomach is turning again and I need to lay down. Hopefully I will be able to drag myself to work on Wednesday -- I simply can't call off anymore.