Friday, January 13, 2006

Drunken monkey


These things only happen to Lothian

f ile #900340552

Okay. So I am sitting here tonight at about 8pm. I am digesting my Taco Bell and sipping on a much deserved Mike's Hard Lemonade. Suddenly a car alarm goes off. I have a car alarm. I remind myself that someone set my alarm off two days ago by rudely bumping my car with their SUV car door. I hate mofo SUV's -- but that is another day, another post. Anyway, I heave myself up off the couch to look out the window to see if the obnoxious sounds I hear are coming from my car. Her name is Scarlet, by the way. ..."Scarlet the Harlot"... No seriously, I named my car. No laughing at me bitches!

So, I sneak a peak out the window and it is in fact my car beeping and screeching and altogether yelling for help. My poor baby. I am pissed now, throw on some shoes, and go marching and grumbling out the door. "So help me God, if some dumb ass dented my car I am going to kick ... um, SOMETHING! I don't know what yet."

What do I see when I go outside? Let me set the scene, shall I? It is dark, it is raining, it is quiet, and some guy looks like he is humping my car. MY POOR SCARLET!!! I don't really know what to do, so I go over to my car, and "bleep-bleep" reset my alarm. I just stand there staring at this guy. His sweat shirt is on the hood of my car, and it looks like he is pissing next to it. She doesn't deserve this kind of treatment!

It doesn't take a Bachelor's degree from Drunk U, er ... I mean OSU to realize he is drunk as a skunk on the junk. I stand there a minute watching him sway this way ... and then that way... and then full on lay across the hood of my car. I don't really know if I was waiting for him to see me, and be like "Oh good heavens, pardon me madam. Is this your car I am drunkenly leaning all over? Let me move on to this lovely SUV here."

Is it wrong that the first thing I think of is how awesome of a story this will make for my blog? Anyway, I am standing there contemplating what kind of odd and vicious Karma I have left over from my last lifetime to deserve this. Poor Scarlet is looking at me all sad and pleading with me to "please, please get the drunken monkey off of me NOW!" So, I go inside and call the po-po.

Some folks have issues with the fuzz, the man, the police. I don't. I have got nothing but love for them. Mostly because I don't break the damn law. Well, once I got caught going 55 mph in a 35 mph, but that is the Highway Popo -- bloody CHIPS! Nevermind. I mean, I live in a place where I have 645-4545 on speed dial, okay. I fucking call up and the dispatcher and she is like, "Yo, Lothian!! How you doing girl? What is it now? A drug addict, drunk, domestic thing, or something new this time?" I mean, I think they know me now.

Props to the cops for showing up about 10 minutes later and being really cool with me. The guy was really belligerent to them and could barely walk, but they stopped him from molesting Scarlet and luckily he didn't break my antenna or mirror or something. They found out where he lives -- in the complex next to me, YEAH!!! -- and walked him home safely.

I went back inside for another 'Mike's Hard' and sat down to share my story with you lovely people. Just another day in the life of Lothian.


No comments: