Having a breakdown

Um, you can read this if you want or don't. I am just having a minor breakdown at the moment and I thought maybe writing it out would help. Of course taking my medication would probably help too damn it!

So, I didn't sleep for shit last night. I think I have just gotten myself on a weird sleep schedule where I don't go to bed until 3am and then sleep until 3 in the afternoon. I close tonight at work, so I am delivering my papers early this morning. Other than tossing and turning all night, everything was fine until about 8:50 when my phone rings and caller ID shows it is from "unavailable". That only means one person -- creditors. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't get it out of my head and ended up in tears. I am up to my asshole in debt.

I know many if not all of you are in the same boat, but I don't think I can handle it anymore. I can't even pay my $250 minimum payment on my Mastercard bill. I couple of years ago, I took out money from the bank to pay my bills and look where I am again ... I already told you guys I worry about EVERYTHING and this is no exception.

I had to have my father co-sign or co-apply for my bank loan otherwise they would not have given it to me. I don't want to fuck with his credit!! I don't live extravagantly, so I can't even think of what to cut out of my life to help with the problem. I have been dragging my feet changing cable companies, but that would only save me about $20 bucks a week. I am afraid this other job I am getting is not going to work out either. I just worry about scheduling!! Before I worried about being exhausted, but fuck that now. I can't take it anymore.

What I have looming over my head is becoming more and more of a possibility. Moving back home. Home is a very small town in Youngstown Ohio. Right now I am in Columbus. My mother would be so fucking excited if I moved back. She has been trying to convince me to do it for years. If I moved back in with my folks I would save money on rent. I work one of those jobs where transferring is not too big of a deal -- there is a store in Ytown too.

I have the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other kind of thing going here. On one hand, I guess I think moving back home would be a solve all solution. It most likely would help, but not solve everything. I DO miss my family, but they also drive me crazy.

On the other hand, moving back home would make me even more depressed than I already am. I would feel like and absolute failure. Also, I love living by myself and living at home would just ... be ... awful. I need my own space. My own television. My own computer. My own hours of operation. The only good thing it would do would motivate me to get the hell out.

Then the godforsaken devil (or angel) pipes in and says "if you move back home, you will save money, and you could go back to school for a masters at Youngstown State University ... " which would not only keep me there longer, but put me back in debt again.

I would also miss all of you. I have friends here. I am terrible about keeping in touch with people and I just know if I move away, I will lose those friendships eventually. I will miss going to the grocery store at 2am if I want to, I will miss you guys.

Here I go again with the tears... I don't see any other option. Even if I get a second job the money won't be coming in anytime soon and I need to solve this soon. I think I am just not good at life. I am not talking suicide here, but sometimes I just want to disappear. I don't want to exist anymore. When I look back at my life, all I see is someone taking up space in this world. I read about people who travel the world, and study things and I think that that is what life is all about. Not this shit I am living now. And I will never have that, so why bother anymore? My life was ruined years ago, I just just pack up and leave this life. But I don't. I plow on, living and breathing and feeling like all I am doing is waiting to die.

Yeah, okay. This post is making me more depressed than when I started it. Um, thanks for reading if you did. I don't blame you if you didn't. I thought I could write it out and be done with it, but not today.

If you have any opinions on what you think I should do regarding moving home leave me a comment, email me at my personal email, or contact me through my email posted here. I would love a fresh perspective on the whole mess. Maybe publishing this post will help me see things more clearly, and when I am not so upset I can read it and possibly gain insight. Thanks for reading, I am going to go vomit and cry right now.