Having a bad day.

So, I had a pretty bad night tonight. I don't know why, but I spent a good hour crying my eyes out. I think I am just really frustrated with being sick. My chest was really heavy today and although I wasn't in the pain I have been in, I still found it hard to breathe.

I decided to call my parents and ask them if they thought I should start taking the heavy-duty drugs my doctor gave me. The doctor said to take it until I felt better and then stop. I followed her advice and stopped when the pain ended. However, I am still feeling shitty.

After another half-hour of bawling my eyes out on the phone with them, we decide I need to start taking the drugs again. But I think my folks upset me more than the frustration of my illness.

I told them that I was upset because I was so frustrated. Frustrated over the doctor not being able to give me a reason why I am sick. All the doctor said is that it was just "the luck of the draw." I know medicine does not have all the answers, but what the fuck kind of thing is that to say to a patient? My mother's reaction was to say that, "well, there is no reason why people get Leukemia, they just do. At least you aren't as bad off as they are."

Well no shit, mom. But does that mean that I can't feel sorry for myself every once in a while? Christ, I know there is always someone in the world with a worse situation than myself. All I wanted was for them to say that they were sorry I was hurting and upset and frustrated. Sorry that I am afraid. I just wanted them to pretend to feel some sort of empathy. Not brush me off and change the subject.

I went through this all on my own. I am still going through this on my own. I know I have friends out there who would have been more than willing to take care of me, but I am not one of those people who can be sick in front of someone. I don't ask for help very well. My pride turned into just feeling really lonely.

All those people out there with partners, husbands, wives, roommates -- you are so fucking lucky. You have someone who you can go to in the middle of the night and cry to because you are scared. You have someone to hold your hand in the emergency room. Someone that you won't feel you are putting out by doing so. It is different with lovers or family, than friends. Who do I call at 4am when I am panicking that I am never going to feel better again? Who is going to just hold me and let me cry all night? No one. I am usually pretty used to going through this life alone, but today I just am feeling really ... sad.

All I needed from them is to say that they were sorry I sat in my apartment for 3 days unable to breathe. All I needed was a fucking verbal hug and the permission to feel sorry for myself. Apparently I am not fucking allowed to do that. Apparently it is all about them, and my little 'cold' is not important.

Sorry. I have gone and upset myself again. I can't cry and type, ya'll. It's too messy. I just really needed to get this off my chest. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, though at this point I doubt it.