EASIER TO BE MISERABLE

I am so exhausted from crying and being stressed out that I don't even know if I can be cohesive. Basically I just stepped down from my job. I didn't quit, I am just not going to be a "Lead" anymore. I enjoy this test grading thing too much to give it up and I can't do both. I think I could do both, but my 'permanent job' will not let me. I applied to the 3 other companies in Columbus that do test grading and I begin a new project with them on Wednesday.

Why am I upset? First of all, my manager did not even bat an eye when I told her I was stepping down. She didn't care one bit. I don't understand what I needed to give her, what I needed to do to make her happy. All I ever wanted was to do a good job! All I ever wanted was to be appreciated. All I ever wanted was some respect. I get none of that from her. I don't understand it and I don't find it fair. I don't understand why I care so much.

I thought I did my job well. For fuck's sake, I have been a "Lead" for the majority of my 6 years at my job. (If I had to venture a guess, I would say 5 of those 6 I have been a "Lead.") It is incredibly hard for me to just give that up -- it is all I have known for all these years. No matter how much I joke about it and how little I show it, believe it or not, I do fucking care about my job. I do want things to look nice and be correct. I feel a sense of pride walking through the area of the store that I take care of and know that it is correct and looks nice. I thought my stepping down would have been shown a little more respect and thoughtfulness than just a shrug of the shoulder and an "Oh, Okay."

Why am I terrified? Read the title of this post. I have always found it to be easier to be miserable than to shake up my life and change things. Hell, my garbage disposal hasn't worked in nearly a year because it is easier for me to just deal with it than call the landlord and have him rip everything up to fix it.

Pathetic isn't it? I am just not a risk taker and I fear the unknown. However, I have been so miserable these past few years. Every time I pray, it is to be happy. Every time I 'make a wish' it is to be happy. Every time I look in the mirror, I do not like what I see. I never used to be a Big bitter babe. I used to be happy. I contemplate suicide sometimes because my life is NOT what it is supposed to be. It is just in a shitty rut that, for whatever reason, I will not get myself out of. I am in my own fucking way.

Recently I filled out a "fun" e-mail questionnaire made by a friend of mine. I answered truthfully and sent it on it's merry little way. Thank goodness I saved a copy of it because I got to thinking about my answers. I looked them over and realized how much my replies revealed. I will include the survey at the end of my post. I am sure you will find the revealing answers too if you read it.

So ... now I have really set myself up! I am losing at least 75 cents an hour. I am not guaranteed hours. In fact, the way the manager talked I may not get any at all. I have a sneaking suspicion that she will take this opportunity to push me out.

All I really want to know is ... why?

I shouldn't worry, right? I have another job. I have this test grading thing, right? Yeah, right. It is not permanent - it is on a project by project basis. I could find myself without any work in the next month. I could find myself without any insurance.

OR ... I could find the happiness that I am looking for.

I am in financial dire straits right now, so the fat angel that is on my shoulder is telling me to just give up this test-grading-finding-a-job-I-love bullshit dream and just go back to my permanent job. She is telling me that it is a stupid idea and one that will never work. She says that all I am going to do is go back in a month to my workplace begging for my "Lead" job back. She is yelling that I will never find something to make me happy, that all jobs suck. I should not be taking such a risk because I will lose it all.

However, the chubby little devil on my other shoulder is whispering to me that this is no big deal. That maybe this is just the push I need to get out of retail completely. She says that it isn't like I am quitting my job completely. She is still holding onto the hope that there is some good left in this world and that if I need more hours, I will be able to have them. She knows I do a good job and will be shown the respect I deserve someday and by someone. She looks at someone like my dear friend and motivator Candy, with longing. A longing to have the kind of "fly-by-night", "no matter what happens it will be okay", "life is too short to not be happy"- kind of attitude.

So who do I listen to? The devil or the Angel? I certainly can't get my heart and my head to make a decision they both agree on! I am just crossing my fingers and hope that it will all be alright. I am leaning on my friends and their support as I know that many have been where I am right now. I envy Candy and her life motto to be happy and enjoy life. I aspire to be more like her and I pray her outlook on life will please rub off on me.

I want to look back on my life and see that I did more than just worked for a living. I never understood living to work. Yet, how do we travel or have a roof over our heads or eat if we don't have money? We need to work to get money, and thus my conundrum arises. I want to travel and see this world. I want to study other cultures. I want to be a writer. I want to be famous. I want to understand the world around me. I want a damn dog and an apartment that isn't in the ghetto. Yet, a job is always going to be in the way of that. I will always need money to live. So in a way, why live?

I feel like I am falling down a deep and dark rabbit hole and the only things I have to grasp onto are my friend's hands. I have never allowed myself to rely on others. I DO NOT ask for help. I DO NOT let people see me cry. I DO NOT let people make me cry. However, I am going to have to do this to move on. To get out of the shitty rut. I am beginning a very difficult and dark journey.

If you have read this far, then thank you for reading and thank you for being there for me. Sometimes I just need to write things out to feel a little better and figure things out in my own head. I purge, I read, and I hopefully feel better and understand more. Posting it so people can read it just holds me to things a little more. I have learned so much just from people coming up to me and saying that they liked what I wrote, that they found it funny, or that they have had some similar experience to share. Sometimes it is just people coming up to me and saying "damn lothian, I never knew you felt that way."

I never got around to it, but it meant so much to me to log in and find a supportive comment from "Dennis in Dallas," someone I have never even met! Or the love that "A concerned Co-Worker" shows me. I even appreciate the sass that Ron snaps at me. And then there are those who don't leave me comments, but hug me the next time they see me. Thank you.

I hope you will come on this ride with me.


**As promised, The Proust Questionnaire**

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Sitting by a lake with the breeze in my face, just listening to the silence.

What is your greatest fear?
Death. I don't like the unknown and being alone.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I don't know if I can identify with them, but I always felt I was killed in the Holocaust in a former life. It all seems so familiar and strikes a fear and an empathy in me that I do not understand or could explain.

Which living person do you most admire?
Those with physical and mental (and others) challenges who live life to the fullest and do not hide themselves away. The amount of discrimination they must face on a day to day basis is unimaginable to me.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My anger/irritation with the general public. I never used to be that way, I used to love meeting strangers and talking with them.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Someone who is inconsiderate and so caught up in their own little world that they don't consider others. Common decency is dead in our society.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Books and DVD's. Self pity.

What is your favorite journey?
To the realization of something profound about myself that I have been lacking all these years.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Modesty

On what occasion do you lie?
When I fear I will hurt someone by telling them the truth. I value honesty to the highest, so I tend to not lie.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
All of it, I wish I was in a different body all together.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"Like", "You Know", "And stuff like that", and any version of "Fuck" that I feel appropriate.

What is your greatest regret?
Thinking that it was all my fault and not telling them right away.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My parents and sisters: Dad, Mom, Jennifer, Angel, Phylis, (in that order I think) and all the rest of the family and friends.

Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to sing ... well.

What is your current state of mind?
Discontent and devastated

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
I would make them live closer to me and actually talk to one another and not hold ancient grudges.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I haven't done it yet. Although going to a large college 3 hours away from my family and my small town was a pretty big achievement.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
I think it would be a spider because I have killed so many of them in the past (I have since taken a vow to not kill them) and it would be pay back time.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
A Buddhist monk.

What is your most treasured possession?
A ceramic Christmas tree that lights up. My mother took a class while she was pregnant with me to make it for me.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
For myself, it would be when both my grandparents died.
For others, I would say losing a child or someone to suicide.

What is your favorite occupation?
Finding THAT would be the answer to some of my unhappiness. Probably being a reader/scorer of assessment tests.

What is your most marked characteristic?
I would like everyone to read this and tell ME what it is, because I have no idea.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Nice hands, kindness, a sense of humor, affection, gentle and understanding of a scarred soul.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Friendliness, humor, affection.

What do you most value in your friends?
Honesty and support.

Who are your favorite writers?
JRR Tolkien, Margaret Atwood, Edgar Allan Poe, Katherine Dunn, Phillip Pullman

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Samwise Gamgee. I would also go through Mordor to help a friend. His quiet strength and endurance is something I admire.

What is it that you most dislike?
Being so unhappy with my life and not being able to find that which will fix things.

How would you like to die?
Helping someone else so that my death was meaningful and useful. Like the Coast Guard says "so that others may life"

What is your motto?
Harm none, learn, and make a difference.